QUEST FOR HOME

That feeling of being known
Not just a couple general characteristics
But some of the nuances as well
I am simple and yet in many ways not
It takes time to learn each of our pathways and crevices
Some tunnels run deep
A complex network
We can not begin to understand or remember 1/2 those routes with a simple hello
That shit takes time
Moments walking along together
We begin to understand some of each other's maps
Not 2 dimensional
A living breathing evolving 3D chart
Not all walks take us down into the caverns
Simple walks down trails filled with green grass and beautiful flowers
We are complex ever growing and changing beings
So time spent walking together smelling flowers
Simultaneously hatchets cut crude courses in the jungle as we find and explore new inner sections of our beings
Some among us never pick up a shovel or hatchet to dig deeper and explore the mines below
Simple mother fuckers
Just always walking along smelling flowers and at worst maybe enduring an occasional thunderstorm
Now my judgements aside
At times there is a beauty to such simplicity
However the limitations of conversation and being witnessed are huge
You can not talk about rubys or diamonds
Those only exist deeper underground
You could not share the loss of breath over tunnels collapsing
It would be like if my being was a single galaxy and I tried to have a conversation with a piece of paper
Maybe it's a pretty unique hand made parchment and there can be an a brief moment of acknowledgment
Although the drawback being, the Galaxy also wants to share and been seen
Gravity
Shooting comets
Pulsars
Conflicts of solar systems colliding
There in lays a huge offset
However once a certain level of awarness is reached understanding happens even if exact circumstances differ
If your system had dual Suns and the gravity stretching, dynamicly pulling ur tides and emotions in different directions
With my system not having dual Suns
Yet I understand the effects of gravity on my tides in my systems
So empathy is present
Comparing my consciousness to a galaxy in no way makes me supreme
There are more systems out there in unique combinations I have yet to even think of
But the understanding is there
However I do struggle
Quantum mechanics for example
Those little fuckers behave unlike all the others
Still not 100% embodying my own influence over them
So in any event
I contuine to explore and develop my own personal map
While seeking fellow Intergalactic Soul Pirate Explorers
Something like Indiana Jones meets Journey to the Center of the Earth meets Deep Space 9
To participate and discuss our journeys
To share our treasures
While helping each of us to better understand our individual pitfalls

(C) Jack Roman

The Hearts Engine

I am an explosion waiting to happen
Not one that will destroy a building
More like in a race cars engine
The explosions are needed to move forward
All my pistons have gone thru the compression stage
I feel the pressure
Engine is all top dead center waiting for its spark to launch it down the track
Inspiration and connection is like the wiring harness that provides the spark
With out these even the fastest of race cars would have trouble moving
Running on empty
Looking to refuel
Conversation that goes below the surface is one component that adds to my tank
Allowing relaxed moments to let my silly self come out is another
Of course Loving Energy is like High Octane making my engine purr
Affection, cuddling, touch help make it shine
Like a freshly polished coat of paint
They aid in calming the insides, in feeding the soul
Like an invisible radiating Star pulsating out thru the solar plexus
A single touch or smile can open up internal pathways that are either restricted or blocked
Lava looking for a channel
Like Blood to a Vampires Lips
The sweet taste of lifes energy
The heart chamber is like a village
When it coexists well with its neighbors the flow and passage in and out is smooth
At times of strife
New pathways can be built
Or walls can come up
Taking time to understand the language of the new foreigners
Or decide to pack up and move the village
Treat your Heart with as much care and respect as that of a Good Major to his beloved city
It is as complex as any modern metropolis
Yet delicate and soft as a flower
Let your soul flow like rose petals floating down a river
I have had lots of moments in my life where some event trigged the building of a dam
With a far amount of work, awareness, processing and care slowing those flood gates were able to lifted little by little
Allowing for a stream to once again flow
There are areas where dams still exist
Maybe even some that I don’t know about located in some valley yet to be discovered
The body and unconscious mind are like exploring a planet that is still creating itself
I pray that my journey thru this earth will be a prosperous one
That my scouts won’t be killed by wild natives
And I am given a chance to learn from my mistakes
I wish not to ruin anyone else’s camp
Only to add
With Love & Creativity
Jack

(c) Jack Roman

 

Music is my Gospel

As a creative spirit
Music is my gospel
It's the sacred book I turn to
The minister that preaches to my soul
Encouraging my authentic self
My individuality
My church does not ask me to sit in a row
Does not ask me kneel at the appropriate time
Sweat is the sacrifice I leave on it's alter
Imagination indoctrinated me into its obscured religion
Life has been a hard teacher on this path
Breath and awareness are attributes acquired during these rites of passage
Humbling myself before this cosmic temple
While the sacred fire within demands truth
Fear would have me crawl into a box
Conforming to the masses
"It's easier"
Whispers from a Devils tongue
General consciousness are the straps keeping your wings from spreading
Seek out those little Buddhas
Those who can aid you journeying on your unique path
If your path is lined with walls
Befriend a jackhammer, or co create a ladder
If your path is the ocean that lays before you
Seek the harbors filled with others that might know of your route
Maybe you seek lands undiscovered
There might be a few Sinbads willing to accompany you on that voyage
This journeys are lined with perils of the subconscious mind
Aimed at shinning light at the hundreds of treasure chests you are dragging around
Each one with a unique lock
Your body placed the locks there
So that you may gain the gifts inside when you are ready to pick them
Wisdom often lays under the blanket of pain or discomfort
The wealth does far out weighs the grief
From a fellow traveler I know of these expeditions
I offer my awareness in witnessing yours
Sometimes one doesn't have to be a sailor to be able to avoid a storm

(C) Jack Roman

The Minds Racetrack

Alone in the dark
Sitting with myself
Visions stirring in my mind
Dreams colliding with past ghosts
While construction on new roads continues
Like trying to drive a race car thru the middle of a massive demolition derby
All while the race track is still being built
I stop the car to gaze at the chaos around me
Part of My Aries nature so yearns to come in first
To feel the thrill of tires heated and engines roaring
But who's race is this anyway
Stepping out of the car
Surrounded by madness
Ghosts of the past smashing into cars driven by dreams of the future
Racers speeding past me while I sit on the track
What do I want?
I want to come in first place
Although first place is only good till the next race
What do I really want?
Taking a breath to realize the honesty of the moment
I want to be loved
Cared about
Like the attention of being in first with a more lasting fulfilling experience
Don't get me wrong
I love to race
My insides are like a thoroughbred
Stomping on the floor and chomping at the bit
Anxious for the gates to open to be set free
I want to race
I want to be celebrated
But I want your love more
Sitting on the floor while this hybrid race thunders on around me
I call the cars back into my being one by one
Some tears fall with the realization of desiring applause
A performer that focused on selling out the show
Almost forgetting
The love of the act that moved him in the first place
The race was the illusion of the mind
To keep my wheels spinning toward some goal that is always moving beyond my grasp
It's ok to allow for the tears to flow
Pulling myself out of the race
Allowing for the body to be floated with emotion
Seeing the carrot for what it is
Sure I am a race car deep inside
But who said I have to color inside the lines
Yearning sucks
Being hurt sucks
But are you chasing a carrot cuz you were told to?
Because it distracts from some pain?
Or are you creating your own version of the Silver Surfer
Paving your track thru the Cosmos Your engine rumbling with love in all the chambers
Spitting melodies out of the exhaust
Leaving a trail of rainbow colored notes
On a glistening Black, Purple and Red roller coaster roadway
Saying
I WAS HERE!

(C) Jack Roman

 

The Road to Hope & Healing

Traveling down the road of hope and healing
Licking wounds
Life seems to stab you in our weak spots
The same spot we've been stabbed 100 times before
It's hard to concentrate
The chest naturally recoils
I want so badly to focus on the knife in my heart
And the anger at those that put it there, knowingly or not
Allow the anger to flow
Do not hold on
I too often want to hold on to the drowning man
Like a Hawk falling from the sky
If I can lift my head and raise my eyes to glance around
There are those who could lend aid
Like a film maker shooting live broadcast movie
Do we cut to the scene where doctors are removing the knife
One continue down a dark ally where foes desire to place more blades into sensitive places
We are the film makers
Not easy to write the script on the fly with wounds currently open and people inflicting them standing in front of you
Growling at them
Allow the anger to move thru and not stop and hold
Seek out the road of hope and healing
The White Wizard might be farther down the road then the Demon with the Chains
But Who's arms would you prefer to run to?
Tuning in to the brief moments of hope
Turning away from a long history of pain
Scene A) shot and wounded on a cliff
Scene B) in a green field being healed
Your friends are the healers
Meditation is the healer
Dance is the healer
Whatever in your life reminds you of who you are
Those that can see your pain and hold space for you to travel thru the tunnel
Those are the doctors I want
Those are the people I want to dance with

(C) Jack Roman

Dance with a friend

The curtain raises in a show I was unaware of I played a lead role
The curtain is a beautiful and ornately designed on the outside
Behind the curtain is steel gate that raises in unison
On the stage inside a glass jar is my heart
I was touched
for a few moments time around me stopped
the world grayed out and fell away
With out moving we walked thru a porthole onto some other plane
It was like going from Black & White to seeing color for the first time
I only meant to hug you
Its like lighting a fuse thinking I was lighting a firecracker and what I ended up with was a full blown NYC 4th of july fire works show
How did this happen?
In those short moments layers were shed away leaving pure essence left
In those moments I told you so much with out speaking
In those moments I cried
In those moments I saw an oasis
A lush, exotic and rich oasis with the most intimate of treasures
Treasures of the heart & soul
It felt so good to lay my eyes upon such a sight
Tears running down my cheek
Having all of the infinite universe with in arms reach
My body collapses
Falling to my knees trying to comprehend the gift of this moment
Watching as the Curtain in the theater raised only to see my heart
Sitting on top a pedestal in a glass container
One spot-light shining down on a blackened stage
How beautiful you are
How grateful I am that you walked down the rabbit hole with me
That you opened yourself to me
Speechless from the experience
Walking home I feel the echo of that moment

Glimpse

I caught a glimpse of something beautiful
Something Amazing
Your gaze lured me in unexceptionally
Our essences communicated like Lighting & Thunder in the nights sky
Dynamic, Powerful and Mysteriously
Sweaty and hot, lungs rise and fall
Without thought our breathing syncs
Your attention reminds me I had been living in B&W for a while
I had forgotten of the brilliance of the universe around me
That moment had saddened me
Eating prison food I got by
I had eaten it for so long I forgot what a warm meal tasted like
After the storm settled we spoke quietly but the water
As the waves softy caressed the shore I began to see a glimpse
Like looking thru a high powered telescope to peek at the beauty of our galaxy
I saw passion in my life had only been dialed up to 30%
We spoke Honestly & Intimately
My interest rose, my passions Spiraled up a long lost pathway
WE KISSED
Unlocking gates and cages around softer parts of my soul
The cage around my heart is lowered as it expands
A quiet storm building between us, more like a generating winding up then a disruptive force
Energy building and feeding my expanding heart
A Ghost is released
Not a evil, malicious ghost
Rather the keeper of the gates
The protector of that which is soft and vulnerable
I can sense his fear
Gazing down a long corridor
I see the potentional for the beauty and intimacy to expand higher
Surfing on some mystical wave of the wind like some regal hawk
The ghost whispers in my ear to look down
The fear and doubt very much present
Will the wind sustain me
Can I survive the fall
Could I learn to fly again

FAILURE – RE-FOCUS – SEEKING

I have always been the type of person to look hard into my actions.

If I fuck up, I never brushed it off lightly…. But ponder how did those actions come to be. Seek out my part in any “wrong” doing so I might keep from making the same mistakes again. I have changed my thought process drastically over the last 2 years.

Thru a serious of events in my life forced me to study what was manifesting itself in my life. There were too many things to be coincident so I explored their roots, and changed my thoughts because of it. Taking full responsibility for everything showing up in my life ( I always took responsibly but this was much more and and much deeper levels). I started to realize how much attention I gave to negative thought patterns and fear and such. (This aint one of those think happiness and everything will be hunky-dory). We do live in emotional bodies and there needs to be a place for that as well. With that said… I did set out to change my thought patterns and continuously re-focus my attention on things that give me “JUICE”. Usually my artwork, but I am currently seeking out other areas that also get my blood pumping.

Its all a process as we find out what we like and what we don’t like and continue to move ourselves to that which we enjoy. I wrote this as I am watching myself focus on the “failure” in “friendships” and possibly focusing too much as to let it pull me down some… But it is a process and I am re-centering myself and re-focusing myself, so to pick up and search forth. There are so many interesting, diverse and juicy things for us to see and explore. Allow for your / mine / our growth and keep moving towards those desires and notice every time your fear comes up and looks to stop you.

HAPPY HUNTING

 

HEART

My heart aches

No one has hurt me

At least not in the immediate past

It’s the expansion

Looking down the well of my love and seeing no bottom is terrifying

Being not met for so long

Not being seen for so long

Being a part of unbalanced connections for so long

I got used to swimming in the shallows

I have yet to explore the depth of my Loving Energy

My Heart Cracks open a little more

The muscles tearing themselves making room for growth

I have explored my grief, my rage, my sorry, my frustration, my anger

I have cut the psychic cords to my parents

Learned all about the undertones of communication

I have traveled down into the Depths of the Deep Dark

Going so far down I almost lost myself

But I came back a MAN!

I have done all of this mostly alone

I say all this because

As I stand here gazing at you

There is SO MUCH MORE then meets the eye here

I am not here to fucking talk about the weather

I am here to see who can meet me!

Who can see me!

Who wants to be a part of what I have!

Who can hold space for me!

I know I have that much

Plus a whole lot more to offer in return

As I stretch and push and pull and struggle my way into embodying this demand

It scares the be-Jesus out of me

Years and Years of giving my time and attention to the wrong people

Was like being malnourished without food or water in the middle of the desert days away from civilization

Like a Lion just being released into the wild after years of being caged

Working towards embodying my ROAR

MY DEPTH

Like a newly Crowed King of my own Domain

I am uneasy with the position and power

Step by Step I make my way

It’s a process

I am mindful

I am watching

Who Will Meet ME?

 

This is the end of Part I

To be continued…….

 

IS IT EVER GOOD ENOUGH

I had a great time dancing

But was it good enough

I connected with people on the dance floor

Spinning, twisting, laughing, dancing

Is it good enough?

NO!!!

I think about how I didn’t talk to one person

Who’s danced I loved

I had a great experience dancing sensually with a woman

Touching, sliding, caressing, engaging

Was that good enough?

NO!!!!!!

I wanted more

 

I had a great time dancing, Loved it.

So HOT…. Sexy bodies in motion

Exploring the deeper parts of ourselves

I keep picturing having a fuck fest with this group

A sea of moving sweaty bodies

Touching, sucking & fucking

Exploring our god granted gifts

 

Its one of the few times I am granted solace from this poisoned mind

Moving my body on the dance floor

Spinning and jumping

Feeling my heart pound in my chest

Blood course thru my veins

Feeling the air fueling the fire

Watching the beast rip its way out of my chest

No longer giving a shit

It kicks the light side of my personality aside to the floor

Screaming silently while my moments get

More dramatic More energized more fierce

Muscles burn with desire

Fuck you!! I wont do what you tell me!

 

Sounds great, doesn’t it….

Was it good enough??

NO!!!

I still found fault in my actions

Should have, could have

Always striving for some kinda perfection

Tortured by a sick mind

No rest

Waiting to sigh and let go

Where is my place??

No one seems to fit me??

Seems like there is always a gapping hole someplace

Always looking for more

Always trying to make better

 

 

Something must be broke inside this head of mine

Maybe I should try the wire hanger lobotomy

 

Its actually feels great to have spit all the out

 

 

 

All Content Copyright © 2021 Jack Roman Photography All Rights Reserved
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