Why am I an artist?
Maybe every time I take a picture I plead for life
Every time I create I celebrate my breath
Every new idea reminds me of the beating heart in my chest
Giving me a chance to share in this moment
Speeding thru space on a rock
Pausing to capture the wonders
Even the tragedy and sorrow of these fleeting moments
Is the closest I can come to reaching out and holding your hand
Slowing down time to feel the heart beats around me
Dropping to my knees in wonder and awe
Sometimes I create cuz it's the only way to stand up again
(C) Jack Roman
Lost in my aloneness
It's a whirlwind of silence
Filled with doubt
Emotions pulling me into a dungeon
Unseen Explosions bombard the psyche
Emptiness firing bullets into the heart
While I suffocate on lack of stimulation
Failed attempts circle around my neck like a boa constrictor
(C) Jack Roman
Things they are a changing
Energy is shifting
Dropping people and situations like bags of sand
Almost on an unconscious level
It's like my spirit can no longer tolerate such things as lies and mistreatment
It's moving so fast people and situations fall like rain from the sky
Fear & Concern collide
A deeper sense tells me all is as it should be
Yet still the ever present witness watches
Always asking questions
Making sure I set out on a proper path and not letting regressed emotions or my desire for revenge lead me astray
Sometimes it is difficult to discern
Webs are often layered
While anger reveals its motivating power
Too much anger burns the forest
Not enough and the forest is over run with weeds
Still I plead
Knowledge, wisdom and the ability to jump
(C) Jack Roman
My desire to create keeps my feet moving
When all I want is to lay down and die
Passion still leaks out
While being beaten with people's lies
Time has given me some clarity
Also a deeper appreciation to share and be with others who enjoy and value my gifts
Those who can handle my mistakes and shortcomings
Precious are those moments
When the ship is aground from the outgoing tide
Nothing to do but to share a view and conversation with a friend
I miss those moments the most
(C) Jack Roman
When you come to realize your the best person to have your own back
There is a huge freedom that pours in with that awareness
Although that takes some time to set in
Right behind that sense of "I got this" is a bucket full of loneliness
There was once a thought of togetherness which turned to poison on the lips of maybe someday
So what do you grab for?
The glass of freedom with an after taste of loneliness?
Reach for a kiss to lift yourself up for a few brief moments before the poison kicks in
Lye in remorse and non action refusing to allow yourself to be infected again
I have tried all roads hundreds of times
Desiring a different outcome
Taking different side streets only to return to the same destination
I have laid motionless at the bottom of the ocean
Not wanting to walk the paths I have seen before
Age as me wondering that perhaps art is the best I have to offer
Some how the missing fields of connection continue to fuel a creative engine
In my sorrow I type these words
In hopes of at the very least touching your spirit
Maybe my magic is in a realm I cannot touch
Maybe in my unrest I can inspire others for a brief moment as I have been with those before me
(C) Jack Roman
Closeness is a sweetness not often tasted
Moments not often experienced
Emotions not often felt
Where is the sweet smell of spring
Where is magic & pixie dust
(c) Jack Roman
Haunted by Loves Lost Kiss
A vision never materialized
Once it used to lurk in the Shadows
Now it's like a UFO sighting
Yea maybe they exist, but I have never seen one
A glass with just a sip of wine
Enough for a taste
Enough to show you what might have been
From where I don't know
Catching its scent trailing on the autumn breeze
Just long enough to remember a thought I once had
(C) Jack Roman
I want a quiet moment
To sit and look at the stars
Sound of the water hitting the rocks
It's the space between words and silence that's my favorite
(C) Jack Roman
Camaraderie is a treasure I often seek
I love the experience of working together
Building something bigger then me
It's an allusive Gem not often found
In a world full of Me's the We's are hard to find
Or is it some disillusionment of getting older
All too often I have experienced a stealing of this beautiful gift
Perhaps we are all granted fleeting moments of it
When I became an adult I came to release how sacred the Brotherhood is
Unfortunately we all don't play by the same rules which is the Downfall of man
Our only saving grace is a willingness to seek within
And a desire to communicate
(C) Jack Roman
Somewhere out there is a fuse to my engine
Not sure if it went missing or was just never there
Creative energy and art fuel my tank
When my tank runs low that's when I need that missing fuse
To connect with others
Exchanging dreams, fears and desires
My car runs great on the gas tank
I have no battery backup
(C) Jack Roman
Why I Create art
I used to believe there was more magic in my world
I used to be more intrigued
Time has taught me it's safer to not want
It's better to not expect anything from anyone
I also allowed a huge part of my passion to be stolen in the night
My creative vibrant self always thinking of new ideas, new images, new ways to create
Those Rockets hit walls more times then I have numbers for
Over time I grew tired of the rage of having my cookie stolen in the night
Screamed so much till I questioned the reason for screaming any longer
Here I sit
Jack in his box
Was the idea lost?
Did it ever really exists?
Or was it just part of my imagination never materialized
Excitement, Hope & Expectation have been the Devil to push me off the cliff into the abyss of hopelessness
If all your life this path has followed true
How long before you no longer journey?
Where do you go when you realize magic was stolen?
You can't trust excitement, you already know that Devil
Try to self Heal?
Healing leads to hope.
Hope leads to the cliff of despair
Make peace with my aloneness for the 100th time?
Wonder is there some rock I failed to over turn?
Maybe some seeds I forgot to plant
Only the germination feels past my life span
Following my own thoughts still leads me astray
Yet I wonder
I love photography,
Art is the only prayer I have left.
Conscious communication the only song left to sing.
My heart pumps but I am not always alive
Art fuels my fire
At night I often hear the echo in the chambers
Going thru the motions
Looking for the flames
I wanna race
Optimism and hope are cliffs I have crashed off of
Wondering if there is some rock I have yet to overturn
Or will these rocks eventually become another cliff
Sitting in silence across from me
I would rather be any where else but here
Avoiding with TV
Stuffing my feelings like a turkey on thanksgiving
Or simply hardening myself on aloneness
Not that I don't enjoy me and love me
In front of me sitting staring is the ugly me
The me that has made mistakes
The me that internalized other actions
The me that looks at myself in the mirror only to see Quasimodo staring back
I would rather "attempt" to make myself "better" with some "spiritual" practice and "move forward"
"Learn from my mistakes"
And try again for the 100,000 time
Cuz I would rather move on
But there is no one here but me
I have tried every which way
With a 98% failure rate
Some days I get up and hope for that 2%
Other days I know it's better to not get up at all and don't even try
Only with no place else to go here I am
I don't want to accept my aloneness
I'd rather have a drink and remember my humor
I'm just not laughing at the moment
I am here
Looking for an exit
As I do my best to pull out the chair and sit down
I guess it's just you and me kid
I'd like the courage to offer to play ball
But we are both burdened with weight
For the moment that's ok
I'm just doing my best to just sit here not say anything or do anything
Just being present
For the moment that is good enough
Falling thru the cracks
Lost in plain site
The Sun a distant memory
Walls closing in
Ghosts stealing my colored pencils
All that is left is a box of grey
Missing my spark
Fire left on the back side of agreements never delivered
On the floor
Tiny pieces of two broken pencils
Red & Blue
Reminding me of left over flames that once burned bright
And an ocean that whispered her calming beauty into my ear
Sitting in the dark
Wondering of the engine inside
Cylinders posed to strike
While electrical cuts in & out
Inspiration fades as quickly as it shows up
Attempting to pour music into the gas tank
Trying to seek out the short circuits
Hearing the engine rev is music to my soul
Wire gets cut by life and the motor shuts off
It's like cutting a birds wings
I roll around on the floor in agony
Looking at a vision that once was
Till I can once again push myself up
And sit in the Dark
I create art to momentarily take away the pain
Every picture taken
Every poem written
A moment of pause
A temporary escape or temporarily remembering
The passion that lays within
A Blazing Fire
Lava burning a path down the mountain side
Destroying or creating
To replace a hug
Tender moments seem to come too infrequently
Gaps between human contact expanding
The ache dissipates into the huge void of space
Till nothingness subdues passion
Anger takes a back seat to disinterest
Tid bits of wisdom sneak in between the cracks of silence
A Jack in my Box
Drinking helps me to continue to entertain myself
A Spiritual joker to create a brief moment of a smile
My love for photography and the creative process as always brought me peace and kept me going. Sometimes that can sway like a tree branch in the wind. People will steal what you do. Business people will promise you the golden calf to get you to do what They want. They end of the day the Artist will continue to creative and evolve. What drives an artist comes from within. Whether it's a haunting past, or some inner drive and passion, his/her fire is eternal. Stealing someone's else's stuff is like stealing someone else's tree branch on fire. Once the branch is consumed you will have to find another branch to steal. The artist will find paper, coal, gas or wood, they know how to ignite it.
(C) Jack Roman
Thanks to the few who helped me continue to light fires.
Also to all the trail blazers who came before me and inspired me with their own fire.
Living in short moments between the cameras shutter
Brief moments of quiet before the shutter is released again
A dark cavern
Waiting for the next moment
The next exposure
Refueling in the dark quiet
Click after click after click
Soon the refueling station needs to be replenished
Digging to find a deeper well
A lake of calm I can take a drink from
Sipping from a mug to remember
Or trying to
Stomach Is turning with things swallowed as an adult
Taking on what was not part of us
Now shifting thru the dirt
Having lived thru the pain and gained the wisdom
Seeking to reclaim
Mix old with the new
Creating a new glass to sip from
(C) Jack Roman
"My camera all too often an interpretive box that allows me a glimpse into connecting with another Spirit. Even if only for a Split Second."
Deep in the caverns
Mystic Rhythms course thru my body
Continuous Explosions of light ripping thru my spirit
Fire and Water mix in a pit of chaos
Buried in the vapors of emotions
Sources of eternal passion and pain
Pleasure and terror
Claws used for climbing out, dig and rip flesh
The empty chamber of the heart is used to bring life
Passion is flowing river of lava
Destroying and creating simultaneously
A blade cutting the skin
Cracking ribs to allow more space for the soul to radiate
Imagination swirling around clouds of doubt
A pin cushion heart that feels
Losing the battles
Fighting an evil King who has jars of happiness locked away
Floating down the river of conformity
But not living
A crystal heart being hammered by demands
The worlds sand dulling the shine
A puppet growing tired of the puppeteer
Yet no muscle mass to command movement
Pushing a shark in a fish bowl
Sleeping in a coffin
Trying to accept death
The light on the horizon always seems to stay on the horizon
The warmth and fire of the sun
The cool mysticism of the moon
They are of the same energy
Yet "Night" & "Day" apart
Complex roller coaster of galaxies riding along in my heart
Striving to better
Getting closer to perfection
While imagination questions the process
My favorite time of day is dusk
To my right to sky is exploding with reds and oranges hues
To my left quietly creeping in a blanket of mystery approaching
A ball of fire to my right
An ocean of darkness with a touch of royal to my left
Above my head countless shades live
Looking right to left
It's impressive to witness the sky's ability to hold space for it all
Imaginations fire driving to be set free
Busting thru the clouds
It's blazing fury determined to reach out
Licking the midnight blue
The cool depth of perfectionism squeezing the fire while the sky erupts with sun beams defined by the dark
Is it the madness of the darkness that makes us brilliant?
Dusk is my favorite time
Sometimes watching the smoothest transitions
Pondering the ease in which it blends it all
Sometimes witnessing violent explosions of contrast
I close my eyes
Feeling the Sun & Moon Dance in my Heart
My mind is full of streams of consciousness
Rivers and streams
Sometimes vast oceans
Sometimes stagnant ponds
Under the surface I find the most interesting ones
Water rich in minerals and nutrients
River beds untouched
Flowing yet surface unbroken
Mirror like glass
Yearning for touch
A finger slowly pushes in
Moving past the surface tension
As the hand sinks further in
The water rejoices and dances around 5 fingers
10 gateways and a multitude of swirling dancing energy
That's just 1 hand
What about 2
What about a whole body
What about a city
A complex urban jungle of thoughts feelings and desires
How would it feel to submerge it
Allowing the water to caress in combinations never thought of
There are streams of consciousness with surfaces never breached
Some as small as a capillary
Some as large as a light trail of a nearby galaxy as it spirals into a black hole
Some Itches have never been scratched
Rooms inside my mind unvisited
Some rich like the Taj Mahal
Others abandon ghettos
Each one containing their own unique beauty
Each one harboring untold secrets
Treasures are boundless
Just not in plain sight
Seeking sweetness on your lips
Turning the crank
Lowering the bucket deep into my well
Take a sip of my essence
Imagination has been my best friend
It's kept me company
Held my hand when I was afraid
A shoulder to cry on
Sitting in my creative box
A vast array of colors to choose from
A world of endless possibilities
No matter how hard I try all the crayon colors seem unable to make it past the threshold
Reality restrains sink its teeth in
Gnawing at the heart
Wings try to take flight
Chains of doubt gnawing the imagination
Cold history icing a warm heart
Formalities casting an uptight shadow
Like a straight jacket for the soul
A drop of poison
In the pond of the mind
With no water to replenish the pond
The small drip can effectually contaminate the well
That feeling of being known
Not just a couple general characteristics
But some of the nuances as well
I am simple and yet in many ways not
It takes time to learn each of our pathways and crevices
Some tunnels run deep
A complex network
We can not begin to understand or remember 1/2 those routes with a simple hello
That shit takes time
Moments walking along together
We begin to understand some of each other's maps
Not 2 dimensional
A living breathing evolving 3D chart
Not all walks take us down into the caverns
Simple walks down trails filled with green grass and beautiful flowers
We are complex ever growing and changing beings
So time spent walking together smelling flowers
Simultaneously hatchets cut crude courses in the jungle as we find and explore new inner sections of our beings
Some among us never pick up a shovel or hatchet to dig deeper and explore the mines below
Simple mother fuckers
Just always walking along smelling flowers and at worst maybe enduring an occasional thunderstorm
Now my judgements aside
At times there is a beauty to such simplicity
However the limitations of conversation and being witnessed are huge
You can not talk about rubys or diamonds
Those only exist deeper underground
You could not share the loss of breath over tunnels collapsing
It would be like if my being was a single galaxy and I tried to have a conversation with a piece of paper
Maybe it's a pretty unique hand made parchment and there can be an a brief moment of acknowledgment
Although the drawback being, the Galaxy also wants to share and been seen
Conflicts of solar systems colliding
There in lays a huge offset
However once a certain level of awarness is reached understanding happens even if exact circumstances differ
If your system had dual Suns and the gravity stretching, dynamicly pulling ur tides and emotions in different directions
With my system not having dual Suns
Yet I understand the effects of gravity on my tides in my systems
So empathy is present
Comparing my consciousness to a galaxy in no way makes me supreme
There are more systems out there in unique combinations I have yet to even think of
But the understanding is there
However I do struggle
Quantum mechanics for example
Those little fuckers behave unlike all the others
Still not 100% embodying my own influence over them
So in any event
I contuine to explore and develop my own personal map
While seeking fellow Intergalactic Soul Pirate Explorers
Something like Indiana Jones meets Journey to the Center of the Earth meets Deep Space 9
To participate and discuss our journeys
To share our treasures
While helping each of us to better understand our individual pitfalls
The Hope that things will get better
Is the disappointment that makes it worse
I can feel my greatness evaporating
Leaving an empty vessel
Barely a ghost in a shell
Momentum as kept my limps moving
Ideas seem to be but a shadow of my former self
Laying in a graveyard
Feelings digging in
Witnessing the beauty of the sky
While death and decay seeps in
Filling the void left by Hopes Broken Promise
There is an Un rest in my soul that no amount of creativity seems to quiet
Its like a wind tunnel that never stops howling
An empty chamber
Sometimes its the Magic of the Flute
Sometimes a Gun Shot hole in the Heart
A 1,000 untold stories line its walls
Like hundreds of different furry animals
Each one hungry for its unique food
Each one liking to be pet its own way
A complex network of distinctive individual personalities somehow merging into my soul
Caught between todays waves and the shores of yesterday
A chimpanzee drinking a coconut down the coastline
Born with the Wisdom of Man
With out the ability to Express It!
One of the most precious gifts life has to offer is being seen. Holding space for someone or having space held for you. To travel into areas of the soul not touched often. However in order to witness and hold space for someone that takes more then book smarts. It takes knowledge of self, more so then you like the color blue or pink. Wisdom is the difference that separates the stupidity of trying to force your opinion into someone else's being. Strength in holding a mystical wall and being present to gods grace. The breaking down and rebuilding of another's insides, or the revealing and unmasking of our beautiful imperfections.
(C) Jack Roman
I am afraid of the vulnerability in my heart.
The pit of despair
Puzzle pieces that never seem to fit
A depth of sensitivity
Tennis balls being thrown into a wood chipper
Gun shots thru the heart
With out the mercy of death
Walls protect and walls isolate
Sometimes walls keep us sane
I don't have any answers, just more questions
There are many forms of loss
Certainly losing blood or kin among the highest
One must not underestimate the creeping and crippling losses that lay in the shadows
Words spoken and not meant
These over time can wear away the strongest metals
Like a drop of water constantly dripping
Cutting in ways not noticed
Until ones foundation is weakened
Dying a death of a thousand cuts
Each one insignificant
No greater sorrow then the loss of magic in ones heart
Trying to build a home with an action
Taking a picture
Creating something artful
Writing a poem
Trying to create paths
For the Lava pouring out my chest
Blood dripping down my cheeks
Unrest inside seeking places and people to curl up with
A home or homes
There are many sub levels
Few ears are keen to tune in
A glistening tear filled with silence
A deserted tree house
And a Lonely Dragon named Puff
I am irregularly shaped
You wont find a template
I’ll yell and howl at night just cuz I can
A breeze to caress it
Untamed Fire with a Lazer core
Rough around the Edges with Crystal Awareness
Crazy with a Zen garden
A Brute with a Stream of Elegance
Castles with Pools of Pudding
Meaning in a Pointless Forrest
A Dandelion in a field
Floating on a River of Lava
In a Race Car driving thru Space
While playing a melody on a flute
Do you hear the Cars Engine?
Do you hear the music?
A Rare few see my Heart
And know I am ME!
Pushing crumbs together
A lame attempt to make a pie
A couple of potential moments
Placing a few feel good bricks together
Creating a stair way out of a haunted pit
I thought the ground was solid
I thought the words were true
Crumbling under the weight of my dreams & desires
Cursing the Alluring Light
A mirage in the Desert of darkness
Choking on tears that never run
Falling deeper into the pit
Showered in a sea of broken bricks
I have built those stairs countless times before.
Allow my vision to be blocked
A coffin to rest in
At the end of the day what's left
A bottle of alcohol to squeeze a drop of hope
In the morning a cup of coffee
Maybe find some heart to get up
Put one foot in front of the other
Looking back across the sands
Witnessing a long trail
A single set of prints
Designs drawn in the sand
The setting sun creating a friend to speak with
Squeeze the sweat from my shirt
An ounce of water
Another step towards emptiness
(c) Jack Roman
Knocking on loves door
Who is there to answer
A phone ringing in the distance
An un answered call
Extending a hand for a handshake
To be met by space
A hand closes anticipating a meeting
All that is left is a fist
To beat the walls
To shake at the heavens
Waving hands in the air
Attempting to feel space
If I wave fast enough I can almost "feel" something
If I try hard enough
Won't I be seen
Won't I be met
Can space be hugged?
All the world is the stage
Yet I often feel like a stage hand
Sweeping the floors
Setting lights & sound
Making it pretty for someone else's performance
Standing side stage
Watching the actors interact
Listening to the crowds applause
When the sun goes down the show is over
I gently pull the curtains closed
Admiring the beauty of a theater that doesn't speak my language
I wish to kiss your lips
To lick your soul
Caressing your intellect with awareness
Seeing and witnessing the full you
It's in the baring of the insides
The soft unprotected parts where magic lays
The opening of a flower holds such beauty
The warm of your body nurtures my insides
In the absence of touch
In the space of wordless silence
A cold breeze sets in
Like weeds overrunning a lush garden
There is a place in the stillness
A quiet place where you can hear the heart
This night it spoke about its pain
Not an easy place to sit
Its like meditating while a cobra sinks its fangs into your chest
The snake whats to give you the gift of kundalini energy
Heart contracting as its pierced
Bringing your attention to poisons left before
Like a 100 leeches blood letting the residue left behind
Careless words and actions that stained the insides of your Cathedral
The pipe organ playing a beautifully haunting tone
While new improved murals are painted
While the floors are swept and cleaned
While the heart drips blood as it cries
While the Spirit sings its songs
A lone monk playing a flute on a mountain top
You can hear a faint trail of music but can’t place where its coming from
Of you pay attention the heart will leave a trail of bread crumbs
Its up to you if you have the courage to follow the path
Like a Deadly Sinband voyage, its not with out perils
But a wounded Heart has gifts to give
There is a space between Hello and I am fine large enough for a ship
A cargo ship of unspoken-ness
Too often there are too many small ports
A whale seeking deeper water to swim freely
Communication when not met with awareness is like playing tennis with one of those ball shooters
You can hit the ball a 1,000 times but that machine can never respond
Only spit another few 100 balls
Life is boring with out dynamic range
Great conversation is like watching champion ping pong players return each other's volly
Or the symphony that can be created from a call and response
Big pipe organs dancing together
The styles might be different
But the range is similar
Often we play different sports
Self awareness gives us the ability to return the serve
To engage in a full body conversation
Not just touching finger tips
But brushing your whole body against another
I hear you
I can relate
Your not alone
The spirit inside
My emotions sweat out my pours
Colors to be used as I attempt to paint my tapestry
Anger, grief, joy, hopelessness, triumphs, bliss, sexuality, hurts, heartaches and heart breaks
All come together
Fueled by passion
It's the passion the helps drive when I have nothing left to give
Going to the paint pallet and there is nothing there
Emotions stir in my belly like a boiling cauldron
All of who I am including my fears and insecurities
Along side my courage and strength
Fire makes my body sweat a rainbow of colors
Feelings pumping thru my veins
Like fighter jets racing thru tunnels
I take the brush and run it along my skin
Caressing the cascading droplets of my soul
Using my hurts
Slowing letting the brush ever so slight kiss the canvas
Allowing it to sing my song
Like a needle slowly being lowered till it glides on the record
The symphony starts
Or perhaps it's a sound of a lone woman
Singing some bitter sweet melody in gibberish
Not letting the words restrict her spirit
Allowing her voice to dance it's way around the world
Hopefully touching a few souls along the way
Every night Death comes to Haunt me
One day you will be mine he says
The uncertainty of what is next scares me
Am I doing all I can in the here and now
I am putting up a fight, but I don't know if it's enough
I race car pulling big blocks of cement
Probably Saturn trying to rein in and focus my Aries nature
I think Death is trying to be my friend
I wish I had answers
Feeling limited by my own nature or abilities
Perhaps some short circuit that the mechanics in my mind are unable to fix in my unconscious
Maybe that's why the Buddhists say we reincarnate
Personal progress is fucking slow
Which brings up the question, would goals mean the same with out the struggle or time/dedication to achieve them?
As an Aries I am used to fighting for what I want
Fighting not necessarily in conflict
More finding away against odds
These days I grow weary of the fight to be honest
No, I would never give up the Fire of my Aries way
(How very Arian of me)
Sometimes pausing and taking a breath is all the fight that is needed
I am an explosion waiting to happen
Not one that will destroy a building
More like in a race cars engine
The explosions are needed to move forward
All my pistons have gone thru the compression stage
I feel the pressure
Engine is all top dead center waiting for its spark to launch it down the track
Inspiration and connection is like the wiring harness that provides the spark
With out these even the fastest of race cars would have trouble moving
Running on empty
Looking to refuel
Conversation that goes below the surface is one component that adds to my tank
Allowing relaxed moments to let my silly self come out is another
Of course Loving Energy is like High Octane making my engine purr
Affection, cuddling, touch help make it shine
Like a freshly polished coat of paint
They aid in calming the insides, in feeding the soul
Like an invisible radiating Star pulsating out thru the solar plexus
A single touch or smile can open up internal pathways that are either restricted or blocked
Lava looking for a channel
Like Blood to a Vampires Lips
The sweet taste of lifes energy
The heart chamber is like a village
When it coexists well with its neighbors the flow and passage in and out is smooth
At times of strife
New pathways can be built
Or walls can come up
Taking time to understand the language of the new foreigners
Or decide to pack up and move the village
Treat your Heart with as much care and respect as that of a Good Major to his beloved city
It is as complex as any modern metropolis
Yet delicate and soft as a flower
Let your soul flow like rose petals floating down a river
I have had lots of moments in my life where some event trigged the building of a dam
With a far amount of work, awareness, processing and care slowing those flood gates were able to lifted little by little
Allowing for a stream to once again flow
There are areas where dams still exist
Maybe even some that I don’t know about located in some valley yet to be discovered
The body and unconscious mind are like exploring a planet that is still creating itself
I pray that my journey thru this earth will be a prosperous one
That my scouts won’t be killed by wild natives
And I am given a chance to learn from my mistakes
I wish not to ruin anyone else’s camp
Only to add
With Love & Creativity
There are screams that exist in my wordless silence
There are tears that are unseen
There was a hand that was outreaching into a cold emptiness
In the wake of a fire there are ashes
Dreams that had no more wood to feed it
Lacking fuel or oxygen a raging fire dwindles down to nothing more then ambers
I listen to the silence ringing in my head
Sometimes it can be healing
Most of the time it's over extended and is like clamps on the main arteries
Sometimes it's like swimming in a vast ocean, yet your the only living creature
Other times a 10x10 cell with one dirty window to gaze out through
There are brief moments when you can feel a slight breeze
The wind kissing your lips or caressing your hair
Usually it's met with a tear running down my cheek
Gazing up at the stars and the vastness of our universe
Only to be rudely reminded
This is a one man show
With no one in attendance
Maybe the first week you still give it your all
By the end of the month your no longer going out on stage
As a creative spirit
Music is my gospel
It's the sacred book I turn to
The minister that preaches to my soul
Encouraging my authentic self
My church does not ask me to sit in a row
Does not ask me kneel at the appropriate time
Sweat is the sacrifice I leave on it's alter
Imagination indoctrinated me into its obscured religion
Life has been a hard teacher on this path
Breath and awareness are attributes acquired during these rites of passage
Humbling myself before this cosmic temple
While the sacred fire within demands truth
Fear would have me crawl into a box
Conforming to the masses
Whispers from a Devils tongue
General consciousness are the straps keeping your wings from spreading
Seek out those little Buddhas
Those who can aid you journeying on your unique path
If your path is lined with walls
Befriend a jackhammer, or co create a ladder
If your path is the ocean that lays before you
Seek the harbors filled with others that might know of your route
Maybe you seek lands undiscovered
There might be a few Sinbads willing to accompany you on that voyage
This journeys are lined with perils of the subconscious mind
Aimed at shinning light at the hundreds of treasure chests you are dragging around
Each one with a unique lock
Your body placed the locks there
So that you may gain the gifts inside when you are ready to pick them
Wisdom often lays under the blanket of pain or discomfort
The wealth does far out weighs the grief
From a fellow traveler I know of these expeditions
I offer my awareness in witnessing yours
Sometimes one doesn't have to be a sailor to be able to avoid a storm
Art and creativity feed me
Like a starving child searching
Creativity was the breast that fed me
The smell of cut wood
These are some of the items you would find in my nursing bottle
Pages of poems forming wings to embrace me
The act of creating has become an invisible friend
Like some windup toy
It ceases to interact unless you crank it
I sit in the stillness of silence
I want to run
I want answers to fill the unknown
To ease the fear inside
A road less traveled
I often would rather spirit to the finish line to get the results of the race
It's like meditating in a pool of Dark Matter
Speed reading the book
Afraid it might be just like the last story
My insides growl in protest
It's my story to write
An artist wanting his mural to be great
Right now it's a blank white canvas
Artists must dance with disappointments and bliss as they walk into the tapestry
Each brush stroke a life that was lived
A battle that was fought
Applaud the painter who continues to paint
Alone in the dark
Sitting with myself
Visions stirring in my mind
Dreams colliding with past ghosts
While construction on new roads continues
Like trying to drive a race car thru the middle of a massive demolition derby
All while the race track is still being built
I stop the car to gaze at the chaos around me
Part of My Aries nature so yearns to come in first
To feel the thrill of tires heated and engines roaring
But who's race is this anyway
Stepping out of the car
Surrounded by madness
Ghosts of the past smashing into cars driven by dreams of the future
Racers speeding past me while I sit on the track
What do I want?
I want to come in first place
Although first place is only good till the next race
What do I really want?
Taking a breath to realize the honesty of the moment
I want to be loved
Like the attention of being in first with a more lasting fulfilling experience
Don't get me wrong
I love to race
My insides are like a thoroughbred
Stomping on the floor and chomping at the bit
Anxious for the gates to open to be set free
I want to race
I want to be celebrated
But I want your love more
Sitting on the floor while this hybrid race thunders on around me
I call the cars back into my being one by one
Some tears fall with the realization of desiring applause
A performer that focused on selling out the show
The love of the act that moved him in the first place
The race was the illusion of the mind
To keep my wheels spinning toward some goal that is always moving beyond my grasp
It's ok to allow for the tears to flow
Pulling myself out of the race
Allowing for the body to be floated with emotion
Seeing the carrot for what it is
Sure I am a race car deep inside
But who said I have to color inside the lines
Being hurt sucks
But are you chasing a carrot cuz you were told to?
Because it distracts from some pain?
Or are you creating your own version of the Silver Surfer
Paving your track thru the Cosmos Your engine rumbling with love in all the chambers
Spitting melodies out of the exhaust
Leaving a trail of rainbow colored notes
On a glistening Black, Purple and Red roller coaster roadway
I WAS HERE!
In the grey mists of the universe
Lies death & birth
Mysterious of our souls
I forget to see the stars
I keep tripping on Alice's rabbit hole
Like Sinbad taking some deadly voyage
Getting turned to stone attempting to pick up the "wrong" treasure
Or worst getting lost for years in illusions of the mind
Space is vast beyond imagine
Pathways in our mind leading into universes
A hallway filled with doors as far as the eye can see
A strange key
Hundreds of locked doors
The pathway fades away as you walk along
Dark cosmos abyss
If fear moves us along the blackness gains ground
Like being followed by a black hole
Or maybe it's time approaching an end
Fox holes are dug to keep one safe from mortar shells
It is still a hole, and what is safe?
I want to shake hands with death
But I am weak, and can not
Regrets and time lost keep me fearful
I am miles away from my landing zone
Sometimes I wonder if I even landed on the right planet
So few speak my language
How sweet the sound when one does
A dessert worth sharing
A treat for the soul
A blanket for a weary traveler
(C) Jack Roman
I live in a field of little hearts
Most of which have little walls around them
Walls placed there for protection
Walls in most cases created from some wrong turn I made
Opening in the wrong direction
Not only guarding against hurt
But unfortunately keeping hearts from linking and connecting with each other
Channels connect as joy and pleasures are shared
Feeding off of each experience creating larger chambers
Greater flowing like highways being built
Patterns seem to emerge creating new dead ends where another road is stopped and another wall is built
An ocean filled with water balloons
All part of the same mass but separated
Movement but no flow
Walking thru the field it's hard to see the immensity of it
All I see is the last stop point and the latest wall
Longing to connect more experiences together
To allow for chapters to keep the main characters
Not turn into a book full of short stories
The journey to the center of my heart
Begins with a sigh
A path leading in
Like a surfer riding a wave
You are alone on this particular ride
If you are lucky you have friends and family that support you
Like a coach bringing out the inner supper star
Not some ego driven super star
Like "yo yo check me out"
I am talking about a pulsating radiant star
Taking the journey within is like cleaning all the shit off the glass in light house
Maintaining the oil in the lamp
Fixing windows as life's storms try to blow out your light
Keeping the channel lit
Guiding the hearts energy
As if all the planets in our solar system where between us and the sun
Sometimes pushing planets out of the way
Sometimes waiting for those fat fuckers to move
And once the path is clear again
There is life on earth again
And when you have taken the time to move those inner obstacles
Letting your heart radiate
Pulsating thru ur being
Then we can start to live again
Traveling down the road of hope and healing
Life seems to stab you in our weak spots
The same spot we've been stabbed 100 times before
It's hard to concentrate
The chest naturally recoils
I want so badly to focus on the knife in my heart
And the anger at those that put it there, knowingly or not
Allow the anger to flow
Do not hold on
I too often want to hold on to the drowning man
Like a Hawk falling from the sky
If I can lift my head and raise my eyes to glance around
There are those who could lend aid
Like a film maker shooting live broadcast movie
Do we cut to the scene where doctors are removing the knife
One continue down a dark ally where foes desire to place more blades into sensitive places
We are the film makers
Not easy to write the script on the fly with wounds currently open and people inflicting them standing in front of you
Growling at them
Allow the anger to move thru and not stop and hold
Seek out the road of hope and healing
The White Wizard might be farther down the road then the Demon with the Chains
But Who's arms would you prefer to run to?
Tuning in to the brief moments of hope
Turning away from a long history of pain
Scene A) shot and wounded on a cliff
Scene B) in a green field being healed
Your friends are the healers
Meditation is the healer
Dance is the healer
Whatever in your life reminds you of who you are
Those that can see your pain and hold space for you to travel thru the tunnel
Those are the doctors I want
Those are the people I want to dance with
Circling around the fire
Attempting to welcome it in
The cold around me slowing my pace
Looking for wood to feed the fire
Looking for company to feed my soul
There are many ways to go hungry
I have a thirst
It's not like easily quenched
But when you taste it is like warm blanket on a cold day
Or your favorite dessert on your birthday
The excitement that comes the day before Christmas
Society tells us as we get older there is not Santa Clause
That Puff The Magic Dragon doesn't exist
To get on with our lives, perusing "worldly" things
A job, a career, a family
The pursuit should be in magic and fairies
The myths tell us how elusive these things are and I couldn't agree more
I find myself berating my own actions in attempts to better myself in the future
All the while my vision taking away from the forest
Failing to see the sprites inviting me to dance
The inner garden that was paved over
The professional athlete more concerned with ratings
Forgetting his love for the game
Tilling the soil of my mind to allow space for seeds to grow
Maybe create a forest of my own where fairies can play
(C) Jack Roman
A Dragon starts to wake
He wants to coil himself up my spine
Thrust his wings out my back and set my chest on fire with his huge blazing heart
Life, perceived situations, old patters slow progress or sometimes push it back
Getting better at fine tuning my radio
More and more dialing in stations like
Or my favorite Fuck Yea FM
I seek to create better home pages for my life's web browser
Intimacy . com
Joy . com
I take a breath
I see the hurt, I see the fear
I take another breath
Giving them space to allow movement
A changing of the Guard
The Dragon feeds off of Lovingness
I sit and meditate and pray
That I might be able to feed this Majestic Beast
To give wings shape and form
That I may be able to take flight
Grounded by a cage I didn't invite
I seek to remember a time before
Opening to those who understand
To share in our journey
To take flight
Lending an ear to others who might struggle with taking flight
Or even just manifesting wings
We all journey together
I wish for you prosperous travels
There is a river that runs thru my soul
A deep river of consciousness
It's surface appeals still
Yet it is not
When a rock is thrown it disrupts my being
Ripples feels like waves in my body
Stones feel like gun shots to the stillness
Words can have the same effect
Imagine the river was you
Your body, your flesh
A jagged rock being thrown not only disrupts the surface
Like a bullet puncturing your skin
But it continues to cut as it rips thru the water
Breaking the serenity
Like a hurricane to a zen sand garden
Words are thrown like stones into the consciousness of our being
Rocks accumulated at the bottom of the river bed forever changing the inner landscape
Making the river a different river
Can you still your waters after the rocks are thrown?
Can you still your waters while the rocks are thrown?
(C) Jack Roman
My body is tired but still a fire burns
Passion fueled by desire
Momentum slowed while rewiring old patterns
Tears from the heart making the floor slippery
Life's obstacles causing us to fall
Yet still a fire burns
Looking to regain my rhythm
Creating a deeper center
Taking obstacles in stride
(C) Jack Roman
Questing for a treasure that can not be held.
Sweeter then any dessert
This nectar can feed my soul
Days, weeks, months, years
A madman I have become
Unsure where this journey is taking me
Crystal clear desire
The boat travels murky waters
What little progress is slowed by the ghosts in the water or universal currents unseen
I can see the riches in my minds eye
I can tastes it's beauty as I lick it off your flesh
Passion rising has my teeth at your neck
Sinking deeper and deeper as you fill my desire
There is no map to locate this buried treasure
You can not buy this diamond no matter how big the purse
The precious gems I seek
Is your Love
The riches that come from shared intimacy
Like a highway of gold coins being exchanged as communication leads to deeper understanding
A pirate on a quest with no map
Committing my life and my crew
To seek out a treasure I once dreamed of
On an island long forgotten
Opening up my chest to purge all that would tie my boat down
Crying to lighten my load
Setting sails to connect to your heart
The warmth of your embrace.
The beauty in your smile.
Your laugh, your smile, your touch
Calm my insides
Your desire to connect feeds me
Your a Gorgeous lil creature
A creative fairy dancing around my apt. Filling the air with ur Pixie dust
Lightening up my space.
Thank you for sharing yourself
I love the dance of our bodies together. I enjoy the company of your presence. The warmth of your body and your smile. The curve of your ass as it fits into my crotch.
My arms wrap around u pulling you close. You feel my excitement grow as your near. Hands seek to explore you.
(C) Jack Roman
How can you express the tenderness of caring
The beauty of loving someone
It's like a delicate piece of artwork
There is something so amazing about calling someone special
Learning a persons rhythms
What makes them unique
Taking time to see the subtleties
To witness growth
To comfort during setbacks
No greater beauty
No greater joy
No greater present to give
(C) Jack Roman
Energy swirling around
Playful and sensitive
Masculine and honest
Loving and caring
Arms wide open
Lungs gasping for affection
The beast in me growling
A moment of affection given
Dr Jekyll transforms back to Mr Hyde
Giving a moment of peace
Laying the beast down to rest
Panting in gratitude
(C) Jack Roman
Caressing your face with caring affection
My hands in your hair
Admiration spreads from my fingers
Cascading Loving energy
A shower of Tender Intimacy
Gazing into your eyes
I feel the Fire spiraling up from my root
A deep rooted passion
The fire that burns within is not some surface campfire
Its a steady flowing Volcano
Hot passion pouring out
Seeking channels as it moves down the hillside
(C) Jack Roman
Each connection we have is unique
Like a one of piece of artwork
We co-create with each other
Sometimes making symphonies
Sometimes making trash from which other art will be created from in the future
Each person we let into "our space" is a gift that is given
How are you treating your gifts?
Like throw away party favors?
Or are these treasure chests filled with riches and depth?
Like a social intimacy pirate I seek to protect the art that is created between us
Moments shared are like another island explored with a buried treasure of memories
To be re-explored and added to as a connection grows
(C) Jack Roman
Intimacy soothes the wounded heart
Communication nurturing and revitalizing it
The mystic rhythms connecting us in this journey
I dive into the deep end
I seek Depth like a drug addict looking for fellow party goers
Its like a warm blanket on a cold day
Its helps tune my spiritual engine
To drive my sports car thru the slalom course
The beauty of communication is vital to life
Without it is like paint with out a painter
Colors are pretty on their own
But Magic happens within the artists imagination and skilled technic
We only get one shot to paint our life
I make mistakes often
Still adding colors
Will you add to my tapestry?
Talking to a kindred spirit is like creating a mural on the inside of the heart
Or adding performers to this Creative Carnival
Will your voice join my musical?
Lets passionately weave our lines together
Dancing while leaving trails of rainbow smoke behind
(C) Jack Roman
There is a Lion in my chest
Clawing at my insides to be released
Intense and fierce
Passionate and affectionate
Loving and caring
His energy is also relentless
Opening up my solar plexus
Seeking to share of his spirit
He wants to give you attention
Nurture our connection
To journey into deeper levels
Riding waves of intimacy
Curling up with you into a ball of affection
Purring from your touch
His passion grows
Energy's spiraling together
An embrace is shared
Enter into his wild Kingdom
Feast from the jungle of Love
(C) Jack Roman
As the heart open it exposes itself
Nothing inside but a dream, a desire, a wish
Things happen that try and push in on our space
Hurts, broken promises
Hopes yet come to pass.
The hurts come in like a dagger to the chest
Reaction causes a contraction
Spirit and practice reopen the channels
Allowing wind to blow thru the space
Carrying messages of the heart
Its like becoming a Buddhist Marital Art Warrior
Focusing on what is not, or what is yet to be
While breathing into the pain and allowing it to dissipate
Close my eyes
A harsh statement
No one around
Will this ways be my world
I wish it not so
A single tear on my cheek
Followed by others
Pleading with my insides
I don't wish this to be my end of day
Another day alone
Another day with out the desired affection
Another day without a loving word or moment shared
Can this really be it
Am I some how inadequate
Or does my river have such depth
Run such a twisted path
Making it hard to find kin
I believe them to exist
I desire to give and receive Love
Collapsing over and over
Picking myself off the floor
Wondering if I will ever see the change I work to implement
Sometimes I stay in the floor
Not wanting to stand up
Getting tired of falling down
Wishing for some place to draw comfort
Somebody who's energy would join with my own
That I might have outside inspiration
Something other then my own strength aiding in my standing up again
My spirit is restless
My energy calling out
My body although tired wants more
My spirit winding up
An apprentice of life
Practicing my wizard skills
Sitting in silence
I listen for the response
The whispers on the wind
Humbling myself to the powers around me
Allowing the wind to hear me
Feeling the breeze around me
My insides are blown out
Riding the currents of the wind
Seeking a home
To snuggle into a warm feeling
I see you
It's in the empty space of the flute that music is made.
Holding space in my spirit.
For dreams yet to come.
Trying to tune my energy to make music of my passion and desire.
The ghosts of my past keep trying to jump in. A full Orchestra playing songs of my past. Sitting on the floor in the middle of my haunted symphony with just my wooded flute. Trying to conduct the many ghosts of the past and quiet them down, drums, horns and strings. One by one their tempo and volume slowly fade as I continue to make peace with the devils in my past.
The lights dim to a black out on my haunted orchestra. With a single spot light on me and my flute. Scared and alone, this song has never been created before. I play as if my life depends on it. In some ways it does.
Touching soft spots inside each other
Communication is explored
Could we be learning and growing?
It touches my heart sharing such gifts
I can still see my fears showing up sometimes
I breathe into them, trying to trust more
Trying to honor my words to you
Feeling the care flow between us
Some how my insides feel fed
Given Nourishment I feel capable of more
I hold you in a tender place deep inside
There is an energy in me that just won't quit. It's fiery and passionate.
It's soft and nurturing. A wide spectrum of colors spiraling up out of the ground. Shooting out to into the universe like some pulsar star.
Love, grief, joy, bliss, anger, passion all combine to create a deeper more compassionate me. Experience and self exploration give me the ability to look you in the eye and be present. Slowly pealing back the veils and going closer to the heart. I live for that. It's very much like eating a banana with the skin or pealing it back to enjoy the yummy insides. Depending on the person it could be a pineapple, or even a coconut. We all have some outer layers, some are harder and thinker. Some are so thin just like a strawberry there juice rests right on the surface. I love tasting such precious nectar and I am honored if you allow me to see and taste your insides.
Sitting in silence.
I desire to have more on my team.
To aid at moments when I feel I am losing.
To rejoice in my victories.
To share tales of woe.
To be an ally against common foe.
In breaking of unwanted patterns.
In creating and manifesting our hearts desire.
To bare witness to tears, joy, laughter and sorrow.
Who will stand by your side? Who will watch your back?
There is little meaning in a gaining a victory that is not shared.
And lonely is a position to shed a tear in absence of a caring witness.
Would you share in open honesty?
Are you willing to look inside in dark corners as intimacy is explored?
Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable and present in your emotions?
Will you meet me 1/2 way?
Join my team and enlist me in yours.
The quite moment of the night.
When all is still.
I hear the whispers.
The aloneness echoing off barren walls.
Deafening me in its silence.
Touching me in its lack of touch.
Sapping my strength as my blood is drained from my body.
Aloneness is a quite silent murder that can't be seen or witnessed.
It is often masked with a smile during the day.
Only to be returned to at the end of the day.
Like a trained torture victim.
Going back into his cage.
I want to get up and spirit to some distant finish line.
The knife in my heart and chains around my chest slow my pace to a jog.
Energy screams to be set free.
Fighting against restraints causing more injury.
Like an animal in a cage I wait.
Looking for an opening.
Waiting to pounce.
To let this energy fly
Opening up the doors to the furnace
Letting the Fire Burn.
Sick of pulling punches.
I am an Animal!
You can see the Fangs in my crooked Smile.
Don't you fret you will be safe.
Unless of course you find yourself on my menu tonight.
The hearts sensitive yearnings and desires.
Tender wishes carried on the back of a butterfly.
A perilous journey for such a delicate creature.
Prayers & Support give strength to fragile wings.
While gusts of wind slow down progress
Like a heart in an elaborate class jar during a storm
Showcasing its beauty but offering little protection.
Are our dreams carried on dusts of sand?
Give & take
Letting go when all I want is a hug
Walking away when my insides want closeness
Allowing for the rhythm of closeness to be present
Sometimes moving together
Sometimes moving apart
Being mindful of the love inside
Being aware when the hurt is present and watching the impulse to want to react
Breathing and being mindful and responsible for my own being
Paying attention to my words do they line up with my desire
Am I clear
Am I honoring myself, Am I honoring you
My commitment is always to deepen myself and my understanding of me and you
I dance towards you
Taking your hand
Will you dance with me?
Will you journey with me to the outer realms of our inner universe?
The moon whispers of the secrets of the night
Illuminated once what was darkness in her eerie glow
Outlining the shadows
Our darker desires
Our haunting past that still lingers
The moon shows what the sun casts out.
We are all safe basking in those majestic beams
An unwritten promise
But as the sun slowly descents
The veil of night dances across the sky
Giving permission to let go
To embrace those desires
To allow those lustful thoughts
Nighttime also brings hauntings
Unresolved past traumas
As the clock gets closer to the witching hour
Death seeps across the land calling those close to him to come back to the realm of spirit
It's a strange time
The Shadow of the Night
I am drawn to its mysteries
I seek to understand what it teaches
And not be afraid of the
The Shadow of the Night!
The tenderness of being caressed
The Beauty of an open hearted hug
The simplicity of sharing company
Yet how deeply profound such a simple pleasure can be
Dancing together in admiration
What I would give to spend days on end cuddling with someone I love
To feel your chest expand as you breath in
To quietly lay together, appreciating the moment
To "squeeze" the Hourglass so that time may stand still
To soak up your presence
To swim in a pool of affection
Given & Received
Somewhere deep inside my inner animal would Purr.
The quiet after Chaos can be unsettling
The silence is some how stiller
The longing some how greater
Love is more expanded
Hurt is more accessible
Touch can be deeper
Aloneness can be lonelier
The Soul sings in Chaos
The body lets go
The mind disengages
The Spirit posses
And Magic Rises into the Dance
Rib cage is opened exposing the sensitive insides.
The Tender Heart bleeds on the floor
There is nothing to do
Nothing to fix
Just allowing for space
The Heart Bleeds cuz it loves
The Heart Bleeds cuz it cares
Life essence dripping on the floor
Nourishing the earth
Like when the Heavens cry showering the earth with water for life to grow
Arms outstretched, head tilted back
I dance with the Passion
I dance with Love
I dance with Emptiness
Holding space for that which is yet to come
I dance to Stay Alive
A Dragon tries to materialize inside my chest
Its tail Spiraling down my body to my groin
I Breathe in, he starts to materialize
I sit in silence, he starts to take shape and form
The fire in my belly pushes against the stillness
Struggling to hold empty space
The Dragon dematerialize into a ghostlike form
I Breathe in again
Keeping the ghost dragon with me
Needing the energy of the pack to fully conjure this Majestic Beast
Dancing with the Tribe feeds my soul
Exchanging energy with others opens me up
Allowing for more space, deeper breath and more energy to summon the Dragon's Might
He seeks to connect my primal sexual energy with the innermost chambers of my heart
Bringing a lot of energy into sensitive places
Blazing a trail for the Furious Fire to enter Tender Loving Space.
Kundalini energy spiraling around my chest
Finding ways deeper inside
Listening as my heart changes beats.
Its rhythm altered.
Blood cycles thru the chambers.
Bringing the its message to the cells.
The rhythm is some how richer.
Paying attention to the ripples in my blood stream.
As you walk by I am more aware of your heart beat.
I am listening to your rhythm.
Will you join me and play a tune?
Or will you stay and create symphonies?
Our Sun is the bringing of life.
The God which we pray to.
We revolve around its Fiery Mass offering our devotion in one way or another.
It is the center of our existence and the reason we draw breath.
But our God has a Master.
A Darkness more powerful then the Light.
This Overlords reach commands billions of Gods devotedness.
It is in the Darkness that we are held together.
In the middle of the night my heart bleeds
Blood pumping out continuously
Not from the pain
But the fear of wanting
To desire is to welcome anxiety
The heart bleeds in its chamber
Pouring its love onto the cold concrete floor
Sitting in his prison cell the musician plays for the village to hear
Loving/Caressing each note as if his life depended on it
His body is imprisoned while his art dances on the wind like feathers in a storm
All around him is cold and hard yet he can caress your face ever so gently from over a mile away
He cries as he plays
He dances while he plays
He smiles at the joy of creation
He bangs defiantly as he plays
Then he sits back down and plays in sorrow
The artist was released after a few decades in his cell
To this day you can sometimes find him playing in cold dark allys
He contuines to wander and seek out places that remind him of home
The glory of the universe spiraling inside my chest
While the Devils chains wrapped around my feet
I look up to the heavens and feel my body aching to join in the cosmic fun
While I feel the Fire at my feet yanking me down
I have the wings of Angel but concrete boots keep me from taking flight
Body & Soul being ripped apart on some spiritual rack in the sky
My Spirit wants to Soar with my Brothers and Sisters
But the Devil has his Hooks deep into my heart
The curtain raises in a show I was unaware of I played a lead role
The curtain is a beautiful and ornately designed on the outside
Behind the curtain is steel gate that raises in unison
On the stage inside a glass jar is my heart
I was touched
for a few moments time around me stopped
the world grayed out and fell away
With out moving we walked thru a porthole onto some other plane
It was like going from Black & White to seeing color for the first time
I only meant to hug you
Its like lighting a fuse thinking I was lighting a firecracker and what I ended up with was a full blown NYC 4th of july fire works show
How did this happen?
In those short moments layers were shed away leaving pure essence left
In those moments I told you so much with out speaking
In those moments I cried
In those moments I saw an oasis
A lush, exotic and rich oasis with the most intimate of treasures
Treasures of the heart & soul
It felt so good to lay my eyes upon such a sight
Tears running down my cheek
Having all of the infinite universe with in arms reach
My body collapses
Falling to my knees trying to comprehend the gift of this moment
Watching as the Curtain in the theater raised only to see my heart
Sitting on top a pedestal in a glass container
One spot-light shining down on a blackened stage
How beautiful you are
How grateful I am that you walked down the rabbit hole with me
That you opened yourself to me
Speechless from the experience
Walking home I feel the echo of that moment
I step out onto the Dance Floor Alone
Like a fighter entering a ring
I spare with unyielding patterns from my past
Moving thru the dance floor I move thru time
Facing myself over and over
Relentless voices hit me over and over and over
Gasping for air, stomach cramping, legs fatigued
Jumping up & in down to the beat
Arms raised defiantly in the Air
Glazing around the room at my fellow explorers
We dance to connect
We dance to release
We dance to reflect
We dance to Explore
The rhythm slides its way in
The beat activates my blood like some radio active chemical
Increasing my heart rate
Some internal tidal wave spiraling down into the lower levels of my being
A stealthy thief unlocking gates to forgotten chambers
A million rebels being absorbed thru the music
Unbridled Energy builds from deep within
Rage, Passion, Love, Grief
Blowing apart system governors
An upraising begins
An internal rebellion
Armies are banded together on the dance floor
Bass notes send off Explosion after Explosion inside my heart
Body kicked into OverDrive
Primal Raw uncensored energy moving in tune to the beat
That Beat that is Driving me beyond my conscious mind
I dance for a moment in my freedom
I dance embracing my connection
As Hell is released in my body I reach for the Heavens
the sky rains daggers
like the sting of sitting alone in in the midst of a sand storm
naked in the dessert
no where to run or hide
sun scorching soft flesh
Reaching for a class of water
Cradled by a scorching pit of needles
Allergic to the sun and sun is all I get
Alone for so long my Shadow now Speaks back
I have conversations with Gollum about a precious that never was
A Dark hooded figure approaches
I contemplate inviting him in
In a void even his company might be welcomed
The Blood in my heart pours out down a mystical river
Feeding the landscape
Bloodletting my soul
The Moon feeds me and sustains me
But I need your touch to revive
The unseen energy passed thru your eyes into the depths of my soul
Brings my systems back online
Something in the night sky
Its like the energies from distant pulsars recharging me.
The is a Fire Burning Deep inside.
Furnaces yet to be used.
Untapped Raw Primal Energy
The Dragon raises his head after Years of Slumber
Hungry for flesh
A race engine kept under a tarp in the back of the garage
Fired up and purring at 5,000 rpm
Taking flight this Angel as a Sword
Pressuring building as internal Volcanos are ready to erupt
Red Hot Lava explodes
Rivers of Burning Desire
A field of wells as far as the eye can see
Deep cool crisp water
Drinking from the still water of consciousness
Waves of Fire and Water
Color Clash and Dance
Hots, Colds, Oranges, Reds, Blues Purples
A tornado of spiraling colors
Flying about painting a picture of my life
To be touched so deeply
To be seen & witnessed
To be caressed & given affection
It was like giving a man dying go thirst a class of water
Your open willingness fed my soul
Your reaching out meant more then I can describe
My patterns or fear have me looking back at the dessert from which I came
A desolate isolated land with no nourishment for a Creative, Dynamic, Deep Firery Soul
It's like giving a Man a taste of freedom and putting him back in a cage
If you only knew the cage the pain would not be as great
Still the pain in my heart and ache in my chest dance in my tears
It feels as if someone place a single candle in the middle of a massive hall
There is so much around me but I was unable to explore due to the darkness
How many times can you thank someone for a glass of water
Most would never think twice about it
Unless you were dying of thirst
To that Man it means the world
Like a caveman being given the gift of fire for the first time
I awe and wonder while I notice my fear of my harsh pattern
Having my gift stolen or taken away
Unable to move as you hear the chains coming down the hallway
I tasted you and I want more
I felt you, not with my hands or body
I cherish what you gave me
I light my own candle in the dark and pray that I will be joined by others
On a crisp cool winter evening I saw the stars winking at me.
Looking up at the heavens.
I ask for understanding.
I close my eyes and reach into the cosmos within.
I make way way thru the labyrinth of my existence.
Bumping into walls.
Falling down holes.
While avoiding the falling rocks.
So many pitfalls.
So many internal issues.
Attempting to dance with the Stars
While I shovel the shit from my former selfs
Laying on the floor after almost tripping over a rock.
Gazing down the road and the cloudy sky above.
You reached out and grabbed my hand.
I felt your presence with me and appreciated your attention.
Maybe could some how there be growth?
My hand is outstretched
Reaching towards you will you take my hand
Will you extend yourself
Will you meet me halfway
I would caress your face with the softness of a shower of cascading rose petals
I would squeeze you tight like a bear holding you close
I can be playful and left you up to spin you around
Or I can be mischievous and pin you down
Mercury's presence in my chart
The ruler of communication needs to talk, share and express
I have the Wings of an Angel with the tail of a Devil
My mind is for meditation and deep thought while my heart beats for heavy-metal
I walk in the Daylight but I'm a Creature of the Night
My hand is outstretched will you reach towards me
Gaze into my eyes and you can peek into the depths of my soul
Will you care to join me in this dance?
The blood in my heart yearns for touch
I dance just for the chance of sharing a moment
To remember for 5mins my potential
To whip away the monster in the mirror
Like a fish out of water a lay on the floor gasping for air
Holding my chest
The wound from some mystical punch that landed years ago
Tears run down my cheek as I look around only to see me
I do my best to honor myself
To hold space for the tenderness that lays beneath the surface
The grief is magnified as I am the only to witness my process
I have peered so long into a dirty mirror I have forgotten of the castles below the waters edge
Aloneness shortened my vision
Like Dracula alone in his castle
Years pass and all that is left are dust and ruble
Will you take my hand
Will you swim below the surface with me
Will you help me not fade into nothingness
Will you dare to venture into my Lair
Can you help save this Prince of Darkness?
The beast hungers
His eyes glaring red from thirst
Longing for that which never was
A soft gentle touch
The sweet taste of flesh
The emptiness inside driving me mad
The dark pleading with the light
Unfulfilled dreams and desires
Traveling farther into darkness
Deeper into isolation
Falling into abyss
Witnessing the glances of the people walking by
Shunning me or not looking at all
Crouched in a corner
Not letting in
Not opening up
Like a dog beaten with neglect
Waiting for some universal Bone
The cold sets in
Rose petals fall one by one like all the what if's
Cascading streams of shriveled up death where there was once a River of Hope
A pile of rubble where there was once a Temple
Atlantis is long gone
All that is left is the hole at the bottom of the ocean where it once thrived
Like a lone surviver sitting on the shore of planet earth
Turmoil mixed with sadness and wonder as he peers across the galaxy
To behold such beauty and vastness
Is grayed from the amputation of hope from the heart
innocent excitement crushed
patterns recycling over and over
like an axe on a pendulum that cuts the same wound time and time again
Standing up to be knocked down
Prizes shown to be snatch as the pendulum swings back
Repeating over and over
Feeling smaller & smaller
Withdrawing from the excitement to protect from the cut
What is a life with out excitement
What is existence with out hope
Curing up to protect from the beating
Questioning with no answers
Pleading with response
The tracks are laid
The pattern repeats
Looking for a way out I crack open the basement door as a last resort
A wave of heat pounces thru the opening
Red light dances on the walls hinting at the flames below
Stomach feels uneasy
Sensing the energies down below
I have no choice but to climb down into the belly of the beast
Or turn around and face the guillotine
The moon casts a hazy glow on the mysterious of the night
Illuminating the beauty in the shadows
Unlocking the secrets of the dark
The yearning in my heart never ceases
The goodness in my soul mixes with the dirt
Mirror mirror on the wall, all I see is the Beasts eyes glaring back at me
The moon light creating a faint shadow outline while blood red orbs glow from within
Fangs hungry and lusting for flesh
While the heart aches for a tender touch
A soft loving caress to sooth the animalistic nature
Prince charming hides his mirror
Hoping clouds will block the moons truth
That the Demon is awake and looking to feed
My soul longs to be inspired.
Energy coursing thru My veins like some super raceways.
Thru my art & my words
I express deep emotion
I reach out to connect
There are parts of my essence still yet to uncovered, explored, expressed
I want to reach you
Touch your face
Hold your hand
Kiss your lips
This Lone Wolf howling at the moon
Asking for guidance
Calling for companionship
Pleading for forgiveness & crying out my woes
Singing the story of my life
The depth of who I am
Dancing along on the currents
My story Rides the winds currents
Like a message in a bottle seeking out distant lands
Hoping to find the shores of a few minds
intimacy is my drug
communication like a bong for me to inhale
breathing in your essence
exploring the depths of what makes us who we are
not the surface us
the us behind closed doors
the parts we see in the dirty mirror
I love hearing about all the different aspects but something so real
when lifting the vail to those pained parts
How beautiful is the process to awareness
Give me your trials
Give me your triumphs, your conquests
Pour your tears into my cup and let me drink
Let me lie on your bed of broken glass
The shattered pieces of your heart piercing my skin
Tell me the uncensored story of your soul
Fire Burning thru out.
Raging thru Iron Walls
Creative Ideas igniting the Lake of gas buried in my heart
Flames coursing thru my veins
Rising Higher & Higher
Tornadoes spinning out of my pours
This Unquenchable Thirst for Uniqueness
An urging desire to manifest and create
Fire consuming my Spirit
Still off in the distance My Ghost of Despair
My Fear Manifested in a shapeless body
I Focus the Energy and Breath FIRE!
Catching Glimpses of Immense Possibilities
Like peering thru the Cosmos
The Pain of Christmas Past lurking in
Grasping me in my cold history
Stealing all the gifts on Dec 25th
Leaving the child alone in a block of ICE
Cutting out my heart ready to feed it to some Demonic God at an Aztec Sacrifice
I try to focus on my Fire like a wizard casting a spell
A Hundred Hands from a Thousand un-manifest dreams grabbing at my ankles
I was Poisoned!
Still HERE I STAND FLAMES BLAZING BRIGHT
BURNING OFF THE POISEN
I RAISE MY BODY OFF THE FLOOR OF CLUTCHING, GRAPPING, CLAWING HANDS
As I raise the doubt lingering in my heart feels like Razor Blades in my Blood
My old Body burns away in a Explosion of Fire while I raise the HEAT
Air & Fire Mix
My Soul Supplying kindling
Creativity igniting this whirlpool of Liquid Flame
ARIES ANSWERS THE CALL
THE GOD OF METAL AND WAR WILL WAIT NO MORE!!!!!
Fighting a ghost with no name
Punching an enemy with no body
Listening to voices spoken from no mouth
Bound by chains with no metal
Hidden in plain sight
Seeking an answer from a book with no words
Armed with my camera and my words.
I say hello
I touch you
I reach out
I open up
I capture the humor
I cultivate beauty
I raise the war hammer and cry out
I roll over and expose my softness
I cry, helping you to see that your own tears are ok
I stop time so that you may witness what I saw in you later
I help create stories to be told and re told for years to come
I entertain myself and make myself laugh
I watch you with the eye of a sniper
I stalk you like the King of the Jungle
I wait for those moments
To tell your story
To tell my story
To say hello
I caught a glimpse of something beautiful
Your gaze lured me in unexceptionally
Our essences communicated like Lighting & Thunder in the nights sky
Dynamic, Powerful and Mysteriously
Sweaty and hot, lungs rise and fall
Without thought our breathing syncs
Your attention reminds me I had been living in B&W for a while
I had forgotten of the brilliance of the universe around me
That moment had saddened me
Eating prison food I got by
I had eaten it for so long I forgot what a warm meal tasted like
After the storm settled we spoke quietly but the water
As the waves softy caressed the shore I began to see a glimpse
Like looking thru a high powered telescope to peek at the beauty of our galaxy
I saw passion in my life had only been dialed up to 30%
We spoke Honestly & Intimately
My interest rose, my passions Spiraled up a long lost pathway
Unlocking gates and cages around softer parts of my soul
The cage around my heart is lowered as it expands
A quiet storm building between us, more like a generating winding up then a disruptive force
Energy building and feeding my expanding heart
A Ghost is released
Not a evil, malicious ghost
Rather the keeper of the gates
The protector of that which is soft and vulnerable
I can sense his fear
Gazing down a long corridor
I see the potentional for the beauty and intimacy to expand higher
Surfing on some mystical wave of the wind like some regal hawk
The ghost whispers in my ear to look down
The fear and doubt very much present
Will the wind sustain me
Can I survive the fall
Could I learn to fly again
Tender is the Night
When I look to the horizon and the picture is not what I painted
The clouds have rolled in and the rain has not stopped
I have a paint brush
I have energy
But I have no blue paint for my sky
I paint and I paint and I paint
and still no blue sky
What do you tell the artist
Nothing I have done or is able to do can seem to make it right
In my anger and frustration i paint and create darkness
In my loneliness and despair I create to keep me company
Moment after moment
Day after day
Week after week
One day I will have to come to terms with it
That I have no BLUE paint for my Sky
I live for those moments between beats.
Chance meetings when guards are dropped.
My heart aches for more of these moments everyday.
Longing to hear the depth. Desiring to hear something real.
Yea I know we are all trying so hard to be spiritual and positive and all.
But shit still smells no matter what you do with it.
Sharing in what hurts, sharing in what doesn't feel right, sharing in the truth of the pain. Now that is beautiful. That is real. That is pure.
What are your desires? What are your fears? What are your dreams?
What are those things locked behind closed doors?
I must admit I used to share of myself more that way, and have not much over the last few years. I got tired of speaking and no one was listening. You heard my words but you were not listening. So I too am guilty of it. I would rather be silent then have someone pretend or just not be able to go there with me.
But those moments when there is no pretense, no walls, no sugar coating and you have just plain truth. Not some kinda spiritual truth, but your truth from your heart.
That is wonderful, that is uplifting, that is beauty.
I live for those moments in between the beats.
The wind howls in the stillness of the cold, dark, night.
Its screaming quietly.
Ghosts of the past speaking on the trails of the wind.
Haunting with thoughts of things that could have been.
Reminding us of old sorrows and old ways of being.
Reminiscing of things long gone while Cold Death flows around us.
Is it that Death is trying to teach us in some way.
Or just have his fun with the bitter sweet of longing.
My heart goes out to those who once had and have no more.
I hear your cries and feel your pain as the wind tells me your stories.
My doors are open.
There is a Temple here for you to shed your tears.
A loving embrace with out judgment so you my release your anguish.
Tell your tale to the wind so others may know the depth of your soul.
With sorrow,love and depth
I am not enough to get up in the morning.
I is not enough to give me comfort at night.
I over a period of time can make you crazy.
I have wished & I have dreamed.
I am barely standing.
10 years ago I was enough.
15 years I fought.
Now I just throw punches in an empty cell.
I have been I for so long I hear all the other Me voices loudly.
I can not see.
20 years ago I was my companion.
I is no longer inspiring.
I no longer makes sense.
I has become corrupt & poisoned.
I is crumbling.
Nothing left but I.
I exist No Longer.
Every night I cry
Thinking of the Man I could have been
Playing out the what ifs in my head
Every night the vastness of my imagination clashes
with some old limited believe
The endless reaches of the creative mind
The long road taken to get to this point
Only reaching 10% of my potential
The endless summer nights spend as a child and young adult
Listening at the window to the world outside
Wondering and Yearning
Scared if I will over come
Or if this bleek lacking social life is all there is for me.
Only here to create and inspire
All the while feeling like a large hollow tree
Appearing larger then I really am
Tricking myself each day with my passion for my art
More then ½ my time spent struggling thru my fear
Breathing it in
Being Born of Warrior Spirit
I seek to over come
Time has shown that integrating and allowing are equally important steps
My past is haunting me
Slapping me in the face
It plays unfair and goes right for the weak spot
Like branding a new born baby with a red hot cattle prod
Over the years the scar never truly healing
This poison runs deep
Like an aliment that goes in and out of remission
Coming back to remind me of the original injustice
Over the years with much awareness, meditation, focus and practice
the scar is not as bad as it once was
But still that slap in the face is hitting in the right spot
Knocking the wind right out of me
Taking some of my life force energy with it
Everyday of the past few days I am reminded
With the tears of the past and the pain of the hurt rolling down my face
Picking up the broken parts of my smashed wooden ship
I try to piece myself back together
So I can once again row gently down the stream
I have always been the type of person to look hard into my actions.
If I fuck up, I never brushed it off lightly…. But ponder how did those actions come to be. Seek out my part in any “wrong” doing so I might keep from making the same mistakes again. I have changed my thought process drastically over the last 2 years.
Thru a serious of events in my life forced me to study what was manifesting itself in my life. There were too many things to be coincident so I explored their roots, and changed my thoughts because of it. Taking full responsibility for everything showing up in my life ( I always took responsibly but this was much more and and much deeper levels). I started to realize how much attention I gave to negative thought patterns and fear and such. (This aint one of those think happiness and everything will be hunky-dory). We do live in emotional bodies and there needs to be a place for that as well. With that said… I did set out to change my thought patterns and continuously re-focus my attention on things that give me “JUICE”. Usually my artwork, but I am currently seeking out other areas that also get my blood pumping.
Its all a process as we find out what we like and what we don’t like and continue to move ourselves to that which we enjoy. I wrote this as I am watching myself focus on the “failure” in “friendships” and possibly focusing too much as to let it pull me down some… But it is a process and I am re-centering myself and re-focusing myself, so to pick up and search forth. There are so many interesting, diverse and juicy things for us to see and explore. Allow for your / mine / our growth and keep moving towards those desires and notice every time your fear comes up and looks to stop you.
What do you see when you look at me?
Funky Creative type
Mysterious & Dark
Must have tons of friends and lovers
What do you see as you pass on by?
Think I am some kinda sexual Stud?
Think I am strange?
Nice to look at but no brains?
Think I am stuck on myself?
As you pass by not stopping to say hello what do you think?
That I am out of my mind?
Ever consider that I could be Lonely?
That I struggle to connect.
That I can be withdrawn sometimes?
That I can be very friendly?
That I am very deep and caring?
You saw what you wanted to see and kept walking
I have dreamt for so long I have forgotten
I so wish to Love & be Loved
To lay my weary body down to rest
To feel contentment, joy and fulfilled from connecting, touch, love and a long history of deep connection
Instead I have gone to sleep for years afraid
Is this it?
Am I all I have?
Will I die this way?
I have hoped and dreamed my whole life
Its been going on now for so long
It’s hard to imagine the fulfillment of them
I look around and see a lot of richness
Sorta like a Brilliant Madman
Just not so brilliant and only a little Mad
But none the less mostly stranded on an Island
With an occasional Cardinal, Blue Jay or Crow for company
My heart aches
No one has hurt me
At least not in the immediate past
It’s the expansion
Looking down the well of my love and seeing no bottom is terrifying
Being not met for so long
Not being seen for so long
Being a part of unbalanced connections for so long
I got used to swimming in the shallows
I have yet to explore the depth of my Loving Energy
My Heart Cracks open a little more
The muscles tearing themselves making room for growth
I have explored my grief, my rage, my sorry, my frustration, my anger
I have cut the psychic cords to my parents
Learned all about the undertones of communication
I have traveled down into the Depths of the Deep Dark
Going so far down I almost lost myself
But I came back a MAN!
I have done all of this mostly alone
I say all this because
As I stand here gazing at you
There is SO MUCH MORE then meets the eye here
I am not here to fucking talk about the weather
I am here to see who can meet me!
Who can see me!
Who wants to be a part of what I have!
Who can hold space for me!
I know I have that much
Plus a whole lot more to offer in return
As I stretch and push and pull and struggle my way into embodying this demand
It scares the be-Jesus out of me
Years and Years of giving my time and attention to the wrong people
Was like being malnourished without food or water in the middle of the desert days away from civilization
Like a Lion just being released into the wild after years of being caged
Working towards embodying my ROAR
Like a newly Crowed King of my own Domain
I am uneasy with the position and power
Step by Step I make my way
It’s a process
I am mindful
I am watching
Who Will Meet ME?
This is the end of Part I
To be continued…….
My mind wrestling with itself
The ghost of the old me still trying to wrap the chains of restriction around the ever growing self
I sense the expanding
But the old self is hanging in there and not letting go
Holding on to the old limited beliefs
My Spirit struggles to emerge from the cocoon of the last 30 plus years
DOUBT, BELITTLING, JUDGMENT
All still present but long longer in control
Yet they block the flow of my source energy
The battle rages on between the old and the ever expanding new
The clash between the knowledge of what I have known vs infinite possibilities
The Old Bound self vs the every changing ever evolving self
Boundless and Beautiful
Creative, Imaginative, Fearless
Hitting against those restrictive chains
Making me Nuts
Keeping me awake
As painful as those may be
They are dwarfed in comparison
To being open and fully Loving
Loving so deeply where the walls no longer exist
Loving so your wounds are in plain site
A Fire Burning Through Out
There is a vulnerability with such a feeling
No place left to hide the hurt
The fire of Love burning and stripping away
Leaving the naked self behind
Can you find the strength to stand and not close off?
Can you find the courage to not cover up?
I awake and see my true essence
My hearts desire
I awake right before I fall asleep for the night
only to rise in the morning, forgotten was that moment
Pushed away by the DAYS harried state
Lost to life’s living tasks
Survival deeds and daydreamed thoughts of pleasure
Forgotten is the GREATNESS TO BE
Sold to another day of JUST GETTING BY
Passing time to remember
Holding on another day
Another day of mediocrity
Waiting for that moment
To catch a glimpse again of my greatness
To remember the richness
The beauty of unbound imagination!
The adventure & soul of the human spirit
To be inspired and awaked by Art
I wait for that moment
When eyelids are heavy
and tears are running down my cheek
I wait for that moment after the sun as set
as my head lays down
I wait for that moment when I remember who I am
Only to fall fast asleep and forget
Dying a little bit more each night
Soon all that will be left is an empty shell and a good idea
Nowhere left to turn to
Like a poker player with one card short of a ROYAL FLUSH
Malnourished from years of holding on
Waiting and waiting, working the cards to see when it will turn up
But the time has come!
To lay the cards on the table
I am one card short of a good idea
Naked and in a weakened state I lie on the table
Squirming in agony like Gollum without his precious
Waiting for the Grim Reaper to come and claim his prize
For his BLADE to pierce my chest
To quite this soul
To put to rest this tortured spirit
To take away those long, lonely, tormented sleepless nights!
I try to show a smile
Hiding the wickedness within
I don’t go up to you as you walk by
I struggle to keep the demon back
Its energy rises and rises
Attempting to be nice and pleasant
While the darkness veils my eyes
Only to see sexuality in everything
The wooden gates with iron bars giving way
Trying to contain the impending explosion
The smile gets more and more strained
Boards start to snap
Hinges start to pop
Trying to let no one see
The sexual devil lurking inside
The gates are blown apart
The energy is unleashed
It rips apart my insides
Desperately trying to maintain
The explosion implodes
And the Body, Mind and Spirit collapse
I had a great time dancing
But was it good enough
I connected with people on the dance floor
Spinning, twisting, laughing, dancing
Is it good enough?
I think about how I didn’t talk to one person
Who’s danced I loved
I had a great experience dancing sensually with a woman
Touching, sliding, caressing, engaging
Was that good enough?
I wanted more
I had a great time dancing, Loved it.
So HOT…. Sexy bodies in motion
Exploring the deeper parts of ourselves
I keep picturing having a fuck fest with this group
A sea of moving sweaty bodies
Touching, sucking & fucking
Exploring our god granted gifts
Its one of the few times I am granted solace from this poisoned mind
Moving my body on the dance floor
Spinning and jumping
Feeling my heart pound in my chest
Blood course thru my veins
Feeling the air fueling the fire
Watching the beast rip its way out of my chest
No longer giving a shit
It kicks the light side of my personality aside to the floor
Screaming silently while my moments get
More dramatic More energized more fierce
Muscles burn with desire
Fuck you!! I wont do what you tell me!
Sounds great, doesn’t it….
Was it good enough??
I still found fault in my actions
Should have, could have
Always striving for some kinda perfection
Tortured by a sick mind
Waiting to sigh and let go
Where is my place??
No one seems to fit me??
Seems like there is always a gapping hole someplace
Always looking for more
Always trying to make better
Something must be broke inside this head of mine
Maybe I should try the wire hanger lobotomy
Its actually feels great to have spit all the out
Alone in my mind
The City of Angels drawing me into
its darkness of pleasure
Feeling the under current
Hearing the lost souls rumaging thru the trash at 2am
Where did they come from
Drawn to the promise of angel wings out stretched
Unaware of the dark mist slowly pulling it away
Deeper and darker down
Leaving thousands unable to recall their dreams
The reasons why the came in the first place
The forgotten Promise
This Angels Love is elusive
Cold in its warmth
Wings cutting in its embrace
Destroying the aware mind
I am the Warrior
I am the Killer
When the light gets too painful
When it hurts to be open
The shadow arises from the ashes
The Tears that fall
Sink into the earth
Calling it forth
Like some Demonic worshipper
The Anguish and Pain of Light
The open being collapses to the ground
Beaten & Broken
From being too open
Weeping on the floor
I hear the cry
I feel the pain
The torment breaks me up
It tortures me to see one in such a state
I answer the unspoken call
I rise from the ashes
I am the Guardian
I am the Killer with a Heart
I long to listen to a woman’s tender, sweet voice
To hear it whispering to my soul
I long to see a woman’s eyes meet mine
To witness desire in them
I cry out to be touched
To feel the gentle caress of a woman’s hand
I yearn to taste a woman’s flesh
To explore the pleasure of her hidden treasures
I can not give myself these things
I hate that I want them
Wanting only leaves me in a hole of with out
What can I do
Some gifts in Life you can not give to yourself
It was just a Dance
But somehow I’ve changed
It was just a HUG
But it was so tender, so caring
Something opened up inside me
Feels like there is a part of me that stayed there that night
and didn’t come home with me
Yet another piece that I took home
That wasn’t mine or I had not seen in a very long time
It was just a Dance
But was it?
It was just a dance
But it allowed for guards to be dropped
It allowed openness to transpire
It allowed for 2 people who generally care about each other
To show it with out thought
It set a stage for fun, laughter, interaction, flirting and communing
Driving home with an overwhelming
sense of well being
It will be months from now that I’ll come to realize
It was not just a DANCE…….
At the end of the day
There is nothing
No arm to lend a hand
No friend to offer support
No voice to bring words of comfort
JUST A HOLLOW BOX
FILLED WITH EMPTY DREAMS
Void of contact
A quite BITTER RAGE sets in
LONILNESS, SORROW & DESPAIR
No God in heaven can chase away the DEAMONS
of a TORMENTED mind
An the end of the day
There is nothing
I look at myself in the mirror and see thru me
Witnessing the DESTITUTE
The Poisoned mind starts to infect the body and soul
Distorting truth from fiction
Alone the sickness sets in
Digging its trenches deep
The solitude making the voices louder and louder
Belittling, Criticizing, badgering, Judging, Self Doubt,
Comparing, Jealousy and Envy
Worms eating away at the heart and soul
The toxic venom saturating
Like an imploding star
Becoming less and less recognizable
Gazing at the mirror only to see
a hideous creature starring back
All resemblance of what was
Lost in the mirror
Seeing only what the voices tell me
Accepting the grotesque picture being painted
Ashamed at what I have become
Shunned into darkness……
My soul travels down into the DEEP DARK
When will my spirit yell out
The journey is one that must be taken
No man can stand whole
without making part of the DARKNESS his own
Some go down into the deep never to return
Murderers, Rapists and Thieves
Others become lost in there own mind
Having gone too far and seen too much
I have drawn some lines
To the left and to the right
Yet still I travel
Deeper into the DARK
Becoming more and more part of it
Wickedness spilling in
I venture to see what lies beyond
A long drive to meet someone Dear
Sarcasm and laughter
Hugs & Kisses
Reacquainting each other
Exploring the strangeness of the basement
Glaring eyes and unhappy faces
Yet its ok cuz our connection to each other is present
Music picks up the pace
Bodies move and loosen up the spirits
Connected yet apart
Back upstairs, the mood is lighter
People are laughing and mingling
Butter Nipples enhance an already cheerful mood
The dance begins
Spirits intertwine while the bodies move
Then slowly coming together
Like 2 snakes woven in a dance
Hair is mangled like 2 lions after a hunt
More good hearted laughter
Music begins its feverish tempo
Grabbing, dipping, spinning, pushing, pulling
The stalking commences
Meeting like to hunters
Growling as they enter inside each other spaces
All the while grinning at the shear pleasure of it all
Challenges get voiced
Yelling and boosting begin
Chaos erupts into laughter
Salty sweat flies
As the pace yet quickens again
To climax in a sweaty ball of entangled energy
The night winds down and bodies cool off
There is a brief moment of unguarded openness
A gentle sweetness
And a most endearing hug
Haunted by the hollowness of being lonely
Driven Mad by a world with no Sense
A world where Priests Rape
Preaches sell God like used car sales people
Yet I have heard “MESSAGES” delivered by a drunk
Been Taught Honor and Wisdom from a liar and thief
Consumed by Desires and Fear
Spinning out of control
As the car hits 150mph
With bends and turns unattainable at such a speed
A meteor accelerating through space
Entering an asteroid belt
It’s Size and Mass substantial enough to survive
But not without heavy losses
As it bounces and ricochets off asteroids
Spinning out of control
It’s original course permanently altered
Stone against stone
Pieces are blasted away from impact
I have no God
Other then Life and Art
No prayer other then CREATION and LIVING
In times of trouble and darkness
I turn to art and creation for my salvation
With each line that is written
With each piece of wood cut away
Each photograph taken
Prayers of desperation
Tears of mourning
Screams of AGONY
For a poor lost soul
Asking for Forgiveness
Pleading for Attention
Begging for Connection
Cuffing and chaining the beast
Arms, Legs, Wrists, Ankles, Chest, Throat, Head
Bound and gagged
As the power tries to unleash ITSELF
Walking along peacefully
Till my nose picks up the scent of a WOMEN
or seeing a pretty face or sexy figure
Then some chemical shift transpires
Like Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, or man to Werewolf
One sniff or one glimpse
and the eyes roll back in my head
Taking in a deep breath
and some ancient primal power is awakened
RIPPING AND GRAWING
at restraints set in place keeping the beast at bay
Desire clashes against believes
Need clashes against will
Passion clashes against fear
Pushing and pulling
will and spirit snapping
Like a Vampire closing in on his prey
His senses feeling the excited heart rate
Driving him almost mad till he quenches his thirst
with her young sweet blood
Love hurts like no punch can deliver
Love cuts like no knife or sword can cut
Love injures like 2 trains colliding
Love is an inescapable can of flesh eating worms
It’s only a matter of time, before darkness sets in
Love is the juicy red apple
Drawing you in
Pulling you deeper and deeper
Loves poison is that the farther you go in
The more intense the pain
Love will always leave in the end
In the end
Death will always claim his prize
Uncertain of my hearts ability to coupe
with loss of connection.
Trying to remain Strong
or is it hiding.
The agonizing pain of loss!
If no one matters
the loss of connection is not so bad and life goes on.
When rivers run deep, and there is a sever
The floods are so overwhelming they are debilitating.
At night I try to be strong
I just say,
“Go to sleep, to fight another day.
Every night I die alittle bit more each night
As the loneliness Monster claims his prize
Home sick for a place I have never been before
Some kinda feeling like there should be a place
A place that I have never felt
I wish I could click my heels together and say
There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home
I wouldn’t know what to imagine while I did it
How lost one must fell if a genie appeared before me
Willing to grant me 3 wishes!
I wouldn’t know what to say
I want to go home…..
A home I have never seen
A home I have never experienced
Lost in a foreign land
No energy, no presence
Looking for a dark ally
A hole to crawl into
A place to die….
What is life if you have no friends
Nobody ever stops by to say hello
To see how you are doing or what you have been up to
What kinda world is it when your phone never rings???
Days, weeks, months, years pass with little to no meaning
Time speeds by all the while life is like a grey overcast day that never lifts
The kinda life that the warmth of the sun never touches
The kinda life that is cursed with everyday medoracty
Endless screams of agony, pain and aloness
The day is grey
Rain is falling like tears rolling down my cheek
The loss of unfulfilled dreams and desires
Lying on the couch
No one to caress my hair
No one to help me bandage my wounds
No one's lips to touch my lips
No one to call, to play and create with
My soul aches to be inspired
My soul longs for companionship
Looking outside my window
Watching my dreams and desires falling from the sky
Cars pass by driving over them
People walk by stepping on them
Crying, alone in my room
Looking out the window
Hoping and dreaming
That somewhere in the earth
There are flowers that will GROW…..
Is a kiss just a kiss??
I thought so
I was trying to dance towards her
she kept dancing away
Don't know why she finally said yes
Maybe it was my gentle open way about me
Maybe it was my persistence
or maybe just something in the air
Moving closer, moving away
Lightly brushing against each other
Thinking to myself, this is not going to happen
Looks like we will just say good night…..
But then a slight sift in body position
Maybe a moment of openness??
No pulling back, no pushing away
I rub my head against hers like a lion looking for affection
I gaze at her for a moment
Then ever so slightly moving closer
Brushing my cheek against her cheek
Running my fingers thru her hair
Our lips barely touching
Tongues gently tasting
All the oxygen in my body escaped me
I don't remember exactly what happened
I think time had stopped
Hours passed without notice
All I saw were her eyes, her lips
All I felt was her touch, her KISS
I could have been anywhere in the world and nowhere…..
Everything beyond us was out of focus, or didn't exist
All I cared for was THAT MOMENT
All I wanted WAS THAT KISS!!!!!!!!
A chance electronic meeting and the courage to explore the connection
A week of magic
Shared pleasures, open honest caring and caressing
Weeks and months
The bugs and worms of insecurity eating away at me
Trying to ware me down
What the hell happened in that week?
How is it that after that magical week my life seemed lacking and empty
My apartment looked different
Darkness encircles my body
Bare knuckled fists
Hitting and hitting
Beating the body
Violently changing my existence
Immobilized in a cocoon of pain and torment
Anguish and fear
Unaware of the rebuilding transpiring as I died every night
Screaming in agony as the heart is ripped and torn apart
Only to be opened up and expanded and filled with love and longing
Arising from the ashes a FLAMING PHOENIX
Being reborn with HEART MAGIC
Body, mind and spirit stronger from enduring
Seeing the power of love
I seek to spread it, pulling those close to me closer
Sharing and caring in ways never thought possible for me
Unaware of the cold gray haze I live in
till a warm breeze sought me out
Grabbing my attention and inquiring about me
enjoying the interaction I follow the breeze
talking and getting acquainted along the way
Anxiousness and nervousness as I draw nearer
The waiting seems like eternity
Then a glance, a smile
having no idea the depth of the things to come
Warm pleasant sharing
light fun filled days
dark mystical passionate nights
All the while unaware of some deeper energetic connection
like two oak trees roots touching and joining
intermingling with each other
Gazing around to see the sun setting by an open field
feeling vulnerable to the change in scenario
and the loss of the gray haze which comforted me
Kneeling at your altar
I rip and gnaw at my flesh
Bleeding out my sins, confessions and confusion
Digging and tearing
As I quest to find more of me
I lay bloodletting my soul
While my skin and limbs are scattered about
What is fabrication?
What is true?
I can't even tell if I'm lying to myself
The Darkness of my soul leaks
out of my self-inflicted vault
Vapors seeping into my pores
infecting me with its ugliness
I turn, and gaze into the mirror
PAINFUL AS IT IS
to look deep into my vileness
Shattering visions of my nobility
I gaze upon the dirt on my soul
The blackness in my heart decays my spirit
Suffocating from numbness
There is nothing worse
than dying from mundane everydayness
The boredom is killing me
I'd rather put a bullet in my head
then continue to be murdered by dullness
Choking on unfulfilled dreams that rot out my insides
Death is inevitable
Yours, Mine… We'll all die
Maybe I'll be your murder
Maybe I won't live that long
Maybe God will come down from heaven and save us
the pain and suffering
Or maybe one day we will just wake to find out
that all our work was for not
and there is nothing nobel about life
Sitting on your porch shortly after retirement
only to watch your life fade to black
Zap… Gone, no more!
Sorry chap, games over
OH, it seems like you had a pretty shitty round
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME ASSHOLE!
That’s what tombstones should read for people
who believe in reincarnation;
Here lies so and so
Not much to say about him
The Town Fuck Up
"BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME"
P.S. God loves you anyway
Yea! I'm sure that would give my spirit rest to know that God still loved me even though my life was shit!
Pray for what
And to whom
I know no God
I only know one truth
ART….. My art
My emotions are true
I know what I feel
I know no God in heaven
Only hell in my body on this earth
And the pain and ache in my heart
So I set forth to create my truth
and pray my prayers in my art.
For that is my church, my altar, my salvation.
Things happen at night
Its vapor seeps into my pours
SNUFFING OUT THE LIGHT!
The wicked survivor is awakened
The ANIMALISTIC KILLER
MOUTH FOAMING, EYES BLARING RED,
HAIR MANGLED, MUSCLES TENSE,
MURDEROUSNESS courses thru out
Don’t come knocking tonight….
For the CRUCIFIXION.
Walking down this maze of life,
I search for acceptance.
The mother and father I never had.
Slamming into walls in the darkness,
huddled in a corner,
tears roll down.
My heart bursting open into the cold emptiness,
Yearning for my parents love and acceptance.
Body stiffening from lack,
lack of love
lack of touch
lack of support.
One by one.
Muscles cramp and harden,
Mummifying the body,
DON’T STOP ME!
DON’T DENY My Life Long Fantasies!
Let my vibrant imagination create and manifest, instead of sinking into the pit of my stomach with all my other disappointments.
For a person who’s creativity is so vast.
Whose spirit is so energized with fire.
Who lusts to create.
Its HORRIFING to have all this and constantly be RESTRSCTED.
The DREAMS, and wondrous DESIRES
Sink down one by one like an ungranted wish at a wishing well.
My stomach fills up with millions of dollars worth of pennies from all my hopes and dreams denied to me.
I’m so sick it’s hard to be me, being poisoned by my own furious creative nature. The ROT and DECAY spread thru out.
STOP IT! NO MORE!
I don’t want my fears to limit my limitless being.
I don’t want The Universe, God or any being to limit my existence.
PULLING THINGS AWAY, PUTTING OBSTICALES, PLACING RESTAINTES on my body or spirit to test me.
WELL TEST ME NO MORE! I WANT IT! WITH ALL OF ME I WANT IT!
God help anyone who tries to stop it.
I’ll cut someone’s heart out with such a cold ruthlessness to make a Killer shiver.
Even if Spirits are sent down from some Higher Power or Omni Potent Being.
I’ll KILL myself just to cross over and TEAR thru and eniolate any being.
Jesus, Moses, Allah, Buddha.
I would send a ripple thru the spirit world.
SATEN himself would feel fear, and convert to christianity , dedicating himself to fighting the DARKNESS.
There’s a knock at the door.
The universe in all its splendor, glory and darkness.
From nowhere a question is asked.
ARE YOU WORTH IT?
I answer. Yes
Then, blip, nothing.
Just sunlight falling on the front lawn.
Weeks, months pass and there it is again. That funny sounding knock. I open the door. The question is asked again.
ARE YOU WORTH IT?
YES I say, with more confection. The universe hangs for a second. IF there were eyes I would almost swear someone or something was checking me out. Then as fast as it showed up, it was gone. Days pass by. I feel anxious, nervous, Afraid. This time I can sense it, a couple more days.
OH GOD, BLACKNESS! UNKNOWN!
There it is. Body shaking. I know what is asked. I gather my strength, open the door and before any question is asked.
I dive headfirst into the blackness of uncertainty.
If ever there was a jester on my part of any faith its now.
Falling into the universe, I expand instead of contracting.
Falling or floating?
For the universe to answer my question.
Will you catch me?
I leave the sanctuary of my room,
walking down the long
I enter into a noisy silence that
disturbs my being.
The T.V. is on and noise fills the air, but it is in that wordless state that I am haunted and tormented.
I make my way across the living room floor. Carefully balancing myself like a high wire act with no net.
My body racks and convulses.
Desperately yearning to hear those words never spoken……
That he loves me.
Trapped in a prison of my memory.
Fighting out of a concrete cage that doesn’t exist.
Yet every time I get close, I can feel my face press up against it.
It’s as solid as the ground you walk on, with no shape.
It’s as small as a dust peck, with walls like a vault.
Looking for an exit for a place that no longer is.
Darkness comes again.
What channel do I have for the monsters of the night?
Fellow night creatures to play with.
Sexual relationships to pour my erotic passion into.
The stores are all closed.
Doors are locked!
Windows and gates are shut!
The streets are silent and barren.
Its time for the
PRINCE OF DARKNESS!
I USED TO FEAR WHEN MY DARK ENERGY WOULD RISE IN MY BODY. I WAS AFRAID OF THE DEMONS MIGHT. I WOULD FIGHT IT AND TRY TO KILL IT, NOT WANTING TO ADMIT TO MY DARKNESS.
THEN I CHANGED. I WOULD OPEN MY ARMS, TRYING TO INTEGRATE IT.
NOW I’M STANDING TALL, FULLY ENERGIZED.
HE NOW RUNS FROM ME! I HAVE BEATEN HIM, NOT DESTROYING HIM. I’VE JUST BEAT HIM INTO SUBMISSION. I NOW RULE MY DARKNESS. THE MASTER OF THE DARK DOES MY BIDDING NOW.
A CLIMAX IN A LOVERS EMBRACE,
HERE I AM,
ALONE WHILE MY LOVER SLEEPS.
THE HAUNTING HOWLING WIND KEEPING ME COMPANY.
FOR YEARS I DREAMT ABOUT CONNECTING SEXUALLY.
I THOUGHT THE LONELINESS WAS ALL THE ISOLATION,
BUT HERE IT IS.
WIND BLOWING IT IN MY BONES.
SEEPING IN MY BODY,
IN THE MIST OF A LOVERS EMBRACE.