Unaware of the cold gray haze I live in

till a warm breeze sought me out

Grabbing my attention and inquiring about me

enjoying the interaction I follow the breeze

talking and getting acquainted along the way

Anxiousness and nervousness as I draw nearer

The waiting seems like eternity

Then a glance, a smile

having no idea the depth of the things to come

Warm pleasant sharing

light fun filled days

dark mystical passionate nights

All the while unaware of some deeper energetic connection

like two oak trees roots touching and joining

intermingling with each other

Gazing around to see the sun setting by an open field

feeling vulnerable to the change in scenario

and the loss of the gray haze which comforted me

Kneeling at your altar

I rip and gnaw at my flesh

Bleeding out my sins, confessions and confusion

Digging and tearing

As I quest to find more of me

I lay bloodletting my soul

While my skin and limbs are scattered about

What is fabrication?

What is true?

I can't even tell if I'm lying to myself

The Darkness of my soul leaks

out of my self-inflicted vault

Vapors seeping into my pores

infecting me with its ugliness

I turn, and gaze into the mirror

PAINFUL AS IT IS

to look deep into my vileness

Shattering visions of my nobility

I gaze upon the dirt on my soul

The blackness in my heart decays my spirit

Suffocating from numbness

There is nothing worse

than dying from mundane everydayness

The boredom is killing me

I'd rather put a bullet in my head

then continue to be murdered by dullness

Choking on unfulfilled dreams that rot out my insides

Death is inevitable

Yours, Mine… We'll all die

Maybe I'll be your murder

Maybe I won't live that long

Maybe God will come down from heaven and save us

the pain and suffering

Or maybe one day we will just wake to find out

that all our work was for not

and  there is nothing nobel about life

Sitting on your porch shortly after retirement

only to watch your life fade to black

Zap… Gone, no more!

Sorry chap, games over

OH, it seems like you had a pretty shitty round

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME ASSHOLE!

That’s what tombstones should read for people

who believe in reincarnation;

Here lies so and so

Not much to say about him

The Town Fuck Up

"BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME"

P.S. God loves you anyway

Yea! I'm sure that would give my spirit rest to know that God still loved me even though my life was shit!

YEA! RIGHT!

FUCK OFF!

Pray for what

And to whom

Men lie

People cheat

Caretakers abandon

I know no God

I only know one truth

ART….. My art

My emotions are true

I know what I feel

I know no God in heaven

Only hell in my body on this earth

And the pain and ache in my heart

So I set forth to create my truth

and pray my prayers in my art.

For that is my church, my altar, my salvation.

Things happen at night

Darkness comes

Its vapor seeps into my pours

SNUFFING OUT THE LIGHT!

The wicked survivor is awakened

The ANIMALISTIC KILLER

MOUTH FOAMING, EYES BLARING RED,

HAIR MANGLED, MUSCLES TENSE,

HEART RACING

MURDEROUSNESS courses thru out

Don’t come knocking tonight….

Awaiting daybreak

For the CRUCIFIXION.

Walking down this maze of life,

I search for acceptance.

The mother and father I never had.

Slamming into walls in the darkness,

huddled in a corner,

scared,

alone,

tears roll down.

My heart bursting open into the cold emptiness,

Yearning for my parents love and acceptance.

Body stiffening from lack,

lack of love

lack of touch

lack of support.

One by one.

Muscles cramp and harden,

Mummifying the body,

Awaiting Death.

DON’T STOP ME!

DON’T DENY My Life Long Fantasies!

Let my vibrant imagination create and manifest, instead of sinking into the pit of my stomach with all my other disappointments.

For a person who’s creativity is so vast.

Whose spirit is so energized with fire.

Who lusts to create.

Its HORRIFING to have all this and constantly be RESTRSCTED.

The DREAMS, and wondrous DESIRES

Sink down one by one like an ungranted wish at a wishing well.

My stomach fills up with millions of dollars worth of pennies from all my hopes and dreams denied to me.

I’m so sick it’s hard to be me,     being poisoned by my own furious creative nature.    The ROT and DECAY spread thru out.

STOP IT!      NO MORE!

I don’t want my fears to limit my limitless being.

I don’t want The Universe, God or any being to limit my existence.

PULLING THINGS AWAY,  PUTTING OBSTICALES,  PLACING RESTAINTES on my body or spirit to test me.

WELL TEST ME NO MORE!  I WANT IT!   WITH ALL OF ME I WANT IT!

God help anyone who tries to stop it.

I’ll cut someone’s heart out with such a cold ruthlessness to make a Killer shiver.

Even if Spirits are sent down from some Higher Power or Omni Potent Being.

I’ll KILL myself just to cross over and TEAR thru and eniolate any being.

Jesus, Moses, Allah, Buddha.

I would send a ripple thru the spirit world.

SATEN himself would feel fear, and convert to christianity , dedicating himself to fighting the DARKNESS.

There’s a knock at the door.

The universe in all its splendor, glory and darkness.

From nowhere a question is asked.

ARE YOU WORTH IT?

I answer. Yes

Then, blip, nothing.

Just sunlight falling on the front lawn.

Weeks, months pass and there it is again. That funny sounding knock. I open the door. The question is asked again.

ARE YOU WORTH IT?

YES I say, with more confection. The universe hangs for a second. IF there were eyes I would almost swear someone or something was checking me out. Then as fast as it showed up, it was gone. Days pass by. I feel anxious, nervous, Afraid. This time I can sense it, a couple more days.

OH GOD, BLACKNESS! UNKNOWN!

There it is. Body shaking. I know what is asked. I gather my strength, open the door and before any question is asked.

I dive headfirst into the blackness of uncertainty.

If ever there was a jester on my part of any faith its now.

Falling into the universe, I expand instead of contracting.

Falling or floating?

I await.

For the universe to answer my question.

Will you catch me?

I leave the sanctuary of my room,

walking down the long

winding stairway.

I enter into a noisy silence that

disturbs my being.

The T.V. is on and noise fills the air, but it is in that wordless state that I am haunted and tormented.

I make my way across the living room floor. Carefully balancing myself like a high wire act with no net.

My body racks and convulses.

Desperately yearning to hear those words never spoken……

That he loves me.